


ALL I WANT IS NOTHING

by achemicalmess



Category: Frank Iero and the Future Violents (Band), Gerard Way and the Hormones, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Frerard, M/M, MCR, frank iero - Freeform, gerard way - Freeform, my chemical romance - Freeform, mychem
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:08:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 33,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23355202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achemicalmess/pseuds/achemicalmess
Summary: Frank joins the band My Chemical Romance, and gets close to Gerard.(My own version of the Frerard story/what I like to think happened)
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way
Comments: 39
Kudos: 65





	1. SONGWRITING SESSION

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! This is my fic, I originally posted it on wattpad (username achemicalmess), and just thought I'd post it here, enjoy

He had just joined his favorite band. Somehow, he didn't know how, the guys had let him join, and Frank couldn't be happier. Yet, he knew better than to show it. He'd been in countless bands for almost ten years, and it felt like they were all preparing him for this one moment.

He knew they'd go far. He didn't know how or why, but he'd seen them perform many times, and hang out with them for a while, and he was sure there was something special about this band.

"Why the smile, Frankie?" Mikey asked.

Shit, was he smiling? He was so high he had no idea what was happening. Shit. He opened his eyes again, and saw Mikey sitting in front of him, while Ray and Gerard were doing vocals in the recording studio. Shit. He was actually getting to record an album with them.

But that would have to wait for another day. It was past midnight and the boys were just finishing recording the vocal tracks now. When they were done, Frank volunteered to drive Mikey and Gerard home, hoping that would get him points later. "Thanks, man," Gerard said.

"No problem," Frank replied, as they got in his tiny car. Even though he had known them for a while, he still felt like the kid who didn't quite fit in. And for some reason, he really wanted Gerard to like him.

As they pulled up at their driveway, and Frank helped them with their gear, Gerard stopped him. "Hey, you wanna hang out and work on the song?" he asked.

Frank didn't know what to say, and he only hoped he wasn't blushing. _WTF?_ he thought. "Yeah, sure." He didn't know why he was reacting this way, or why Gerard's eyes were so hypnotizing...

He followed him to his room in the basement, and waited there while Gee got some beers from the kitchen, checking out his action figure collection. He's such a nerd, he thought. "Here", Gerard said, handing him a beer. "So, let's do this."

They went over the song for about an hour, until Frank had his part down, and went through a whole case of beers, before bringing the vodka. Then, they were so drunk they started making up songs about aliens and elves, giggling like kids. Why was it so easy with him?

He tried to remember he had Jamia. They had just started going out after so long, and he loved her like he had never loved anyone. But... sitting next to Gerard.... Looking at him... it made it so hard.....

Shit, no...

Why was he even thinking about that? He was just drunk, and he just enjoyed being around him because he was the nicest dude he'd ever met, and he was grateful he let him joined the band. Then why couldn't he stop looking at his lips wondering what would it feel to kiss him? "I gotta go..." Frank said, jumping off Gee's bed. It was almost 3 am, and they were going back to the recording studio tomorrow. He wanted to be ready. "I forgot to call Jamia..." he said, not even aware he had said it out loud.

"Oh," Gee said. Did he sound... hurt? Nah, Frank was just imagining things. Besides, Gee had a girlfriend too, and this wasn't like... no.

"Sorry, man. It was fun." It was. He hadn't laughed that much in a while. "Thanks for inviting me, and for the beers, and helping me with the song."

"Of course, man. See you tomorrow."

Shit, they had to see each other again the next morning. It wasn't going to be easy. Frank just turned around, and walked out the basement, and drove home, in denial of what had just happened. 


	2. HOUSE PARTY

Another show for the record books. It was packed, and the kids were singing all of their songs back at them. Frank smashed a guitar, and almost broke an ankle, but it was a night to remember. The best way to end the year.

And as usual, after the show, they went to a house party with the other bands, and drank until they passed out to celebrate. Except this one felt different – not only they were playing far from New Jersey, but it felt the start of something bigger.

Frank's dream had come true, but now it was way bigger than he ever imagined. They had a tour coming up, the album was doing good, and he was playing with his favorite band. He only wished Jamia was there with him for New Year's Eve, but it was one of the things he had to get used to now.

'Happy 2003!' someone yelled at him as he walked by. Frank couldn't remember if the guy was in one of the other bands, or who the hell he was. There was a fight right outside the kitchen, but he was too stoned to care, so he just walked past, straight to the back of the patio, where Gee was waiting for him by the shed. 'Finally!' he said. 'I was about to freeze to death here, where were you?'

'Getting you something,' Frank replied with a cigarette between his lips, showing him the two bottles of vodka he stole from the kitchen. By now, it was becoming a tradition after every show. Getting wasted, talking about nonsense, letting the adrenaline wear off.

'That was a great show!' Gerard said.

'It was!' Frank sat next to him, and opened the first bottle.

'Any New Year's resolutions?'

'Keep kicking ass? Get a dog?'

'Cheers to that!' It was quiet for a moment, which was kinda uncomfortable, and making it more difficult for Frank. 'Dude! Look at that!' Gee pointed at the fireworks, already drunk as hell. 'Make a wish,' he said.

Frank did. Going back to normal and stop thinking about Gerard. Not hating himself for the way he was feeling. He remembered that time in middle school he had a crush in someone he shouldn't have. And here he was again, being attracted to another guy. And after all these months of spending so much time together, touring, and playing shows, getting to know each other, it was getting harder and harder to ignore it. I wish... I wish I could kiss him and nothing else mattered.

Nope.

He was not doing it again. He had a girlfriend, and he was happy, and he just cared about Gee in a friendly way, nothing more. He was actually the best friend Frank had had in a while, and he could tell him anything without the fear of being judged. And he was a genius, and Frank was grateful he let him be in the band. That was all.

Then, out of nowhere, he saw Gerard leaning in, getting closer and closer, until – his lips touched his.

He was kissing him.

Gee's hand was on his cheek, and his tongue –

It felt so good. He reeked of alcohol and sweat, but it didn't matter. It was warm, and it felt right.

But, no –

It couldn't. Frank pulled away immediately, half confused about what had just happened, half glad it had happened. It cleared up things a little bit. He did have feelings for Gerard, which was obviously not good, so now he had to find a way to hide that. Fuck. 'I'm gonna get another beer,' Frank said, and jumped off the chair, before Gerard noticed his... reaction.

Inside, the party was going on, as if nothing had happened. They were all too drunk to notice Frank was almost crying. He ran to the bathroom, and locked it behind him. This couldn't be real. It was already hard to have... thoughts... about your friend. But it was a completely different thing when that friend kissed you. It only complicated everything. There was no way Gerard felt the same way, he was just too drunk and when he was drunk, which was very often lately, he tended to do very stupid things. Like kissing his friends without thinking about the consequences. He was sure it was just a game for Gerard, always wanting something, and not resting until he got it. But he couldn't play with his feelings like that.

Frank cried in silence for a few minutes, letting it all out, then washed his face, and walked out. The only way to forget about it was drinking more, so that's what he did.


	3. CIGARETTE BREAK

It had been weeks since the incident... and Gerard and Frank were avoiding it as much as possible. Sometimes it felt like Gee was avoiding Frank in general, but Frank was okay with that. Maybe they needed some distance.

But they were touring more, and it was impossible to not be around Gerard.

Which made it even more impossible for Frank not to fall for him even more.

The only way to numb his feelings was to be drunk all the time, so that's what he did. He knew he was following Gee's steps, and that wasn't good, but hated himself anyway.

After each show, he'd crash, having given his all, and then drank until he didn't know what was happening, just before getting in the van, where he'd sleep with his headphones on, all through their next destination. Whenever they stopped for gas, he'd reach the payphone and call Jamia. It was nice to know she was waiting for him back in Jersey, that she loved him. And he loved her too. He'd make it work.

Then, off to the next venue.

And they did it again.

Long nights on the road, only his bandmates around. This was the life he dreamed. Yet, he knew he wasn't hundred percent happy.

On one of those long nights, they stopped for food and other essentials. It was too late to call Jamia. So, he just sat by the road, merely feet from the van, and lit a cigarette while the rest of the guys ran to the convenience store. He appreciated the silence.

'Hey, man!' Gerard said as he walked back to the van, carrying a paper bag that clearly contained alcohol. Just as if nothing had happened. 'What are you doing out here? It's freezing! Everything alright?' Everything alright? He was seriously asking that? Had he forgotten everything? He probably had. Frank just nodded. There was no point in telling him what was going through his mind. 'Hey, look – I got this from the claw machine!' From the paper bag, he took out a stuffed animal. A dog. 'You can have it. While you get your real dog.'

He had to be kidding him. Frank was speechless. He knew it was something stupid, but it made his day.

'Look at you,' Gerard said. 'I knew it'd make you smile.'

He didn't realize he was smiling. He swore he'd start crying at any moment. 'Thank you,' Frank said as he hugged his bandmate, hiding the tears. 'I kinda needed it.'

'I know.'

'It's starting to get lonely, and I miss New Jersey.'

'I know.'

It was quiet for a while. The only sound was the trucks driving by. They still had thirty minutes before getting back on the van, but they didn't move. 'It's nice out here,' Gerard said, breaking the silence. 'Finally we don't have to listen to Otter complaining about everything.'

Frank couldn't help but laugh. 'True.'

'Hey –,' Gerard muttered, and then stopped, nervous. He was obviously about to say something important, and that made Frank nervous too. 'About the other day –' Frank played dumb, and Gee continued. 'New Year's Eve?'

'Oh.' Frank didn't know what to say. Why he always felt like this with him?

'Don't think I'm avoiding you because of it, or that because I was drunk I don't remember, or that I regret it.' Frank felt out of breath out of a sudden. 'It's just that –,' Gee said, struggling to find the words. 'I like you. I really, really like you. And it's confusing, you know?'

Shit! What did he just say? 'I –,' Frank tried to say but he couldn't go farther than that.

'And right now, the last thing I need is to add any drama to our lives,' Gerard continued. 'Who knows what's next, and this would only make things more complicated.' Frank agreed. And it's not like he wanted to be a couple or anything. He'd rather hide that part of him, and go on as normal. 'But that doesn't mean, we can't – you know –.' Gerard's hand reached Frank's. He wasn't sure what Gee meant with that. Was that like, an invitation? An agreement to –

No – Frank pulled his hand away. He still didn't know how to express his feelings – that's why he had a journal, but nobody had to ever see that. But to admit that he felt something for Gerard too, that he would like to run away with him and forget about everything? Nah, he couldn't do that.

'So?' Gerard asked.

'So what?' Silence. 'You really expect me to say that out loud? To keep doing whatever this is behind closed doors?' Gerard remained quiet. 'You really want me to say that I fucking like you and that this is normal, and we should try it?'

'I'm not saying that – I'm just –'

'Good, cause I'm not going to!' Frank was filled with so much rage, he didn't know what to do with it. He usually ended up saying the wrong thing, or doing something embarrassing, or crying. Instead, he turned to Gerard, and kissed him. Right on the lips.

It was quick, though. He didn't want anyone to see two dudes kissing in the middle of a truck stop. He didn't know what the reaction would be. But he felt that should be enough for Gerard. Now he should know he was all in, whatever he was saying before, he was willing to keep kissing him as long as nobody else knew.

But just for good measure, after looking around and seeing there wasn't anyone around that could see them, Frank said, 'Can I kiss you again?' Gerard nodded. Frank then leaned in, and pressed his mouth against Gerard's and French kissed him.


	4. FIRST TIME

The van had broken down in the middle of nowhere.

There was only a McDonald's about a mile away, where they waited while they found a mechanic. Good news was, one of the cashiers had a mechanic friend. Bad news was, the van wouldn't be ready until the next day. 'We can drive you to the motel down the street,' the mechanic guy said, and they had no choice but to accept his offer.

The place was horrible, but after living in the back of a van for months, they couldn't complain. And it was so cheap that they could afford two separate rooms. They didn't even discuss the sleep arrangements. Ray walked in the first room, tired and ready to get some sleep, and Matt walked behind him. 'No offense, but I'll just join them,' Mikey said. 'You guys are fucking annoying.'

So it was Frank and Gerard.

Together.

In the same room.

If they would have planned it, it wouldn't have worked this way.

After that first kiss outside the truck stop, they hadn't talked much about it. Just some stolen kisses backstage when nobody was watching.

But this was new territory.

If they didn't take advantage of it, they were stupid.

But they were nervous as fuck.

They sat on the edge of the bed, Frank's hand brushed against Gerard's, and stayed there. They looked at each other. Anything can happen, Frank thought. Fuck.

They talked for the longest time, trying to calm down, but it was impossible. They'd been waiting to be alone like this for a while.

Gerard got the bottle of vodka he carried in his bag, and they shared it, making out between sips. Their bodies were warm and the taste of alcohol helped them.

They kissed. No one could see them now. They were free to do whatever they wanted. Gerard took off Frank's shirt, and kissed him, his hands in his back. 'I've never done this with -,' Frank told him.

'Me neither.' He kissed his shoulders. He caressed his tattooed arms, and his back, just like he deserved to be treated. They held hands for a second, smiling at each other, laughing at how crazy this was. Frank helped him with his shirt, and kissed his back, his hands around him. 'You have condoms?'

'Why would I bring condoms? My girlfriend lives in New Jersey.' He kissed Gerard, trying not to think about Jamia. But the truth was, he couldn't. He liked how Gerard's body felt, how different it was. How hard his crotch felt against him. Fuck it. 'I don't care.' He helped him unbuttoned his jeans, and his hand reached for his dick. Whoa!

'You like it, huh?'

Frank nodded.

Then Gerard took off Frank's jeans, and got on his knees. Frank just nodded before Gee went down on him. Fuck! There was no way he was new at this, Frank thought, but he didn't ask. Then he pushed him against the wall, his back to him, and kissed it. Neither of them said a word. There were no words for this, Frank thought. There was electricity between them. He was also too drunk to form any words, so he just let his body loose. 

Frank pulled Gee's hips against him. He felt complete.

When Frank was inside him, Gerard felt the best he'd felt in ages.

Frank shivered, and let Gerard take control of him. 

Later, they got in bed, Frank cuddling in Gee's arms, his head on his chest, his heat embracing him. He belonged with him.


	5. SECRET HIDEOUT

Random bathrooms. Closets. That one green room that nobody ever used. A guest room at a house party. They knew every single one of them.

They were the only places they could make out without anybody finding out.

Their secret hideouts.

Every day, as soon as they arrived at the venue, Frank would take a tour around, find the one room no one ever used, and leave a note for Gerard. 'Janitor's closet upstairs. 7 pm.'

That gave them enough time to soundcheck and then be ready for their set. 'I'm gonna go to the restroom,' Frank announced, even though no one was listening. 'Be right back.' Ten minutes later, Gee showed up. By then, Frank was so nervous, he was shaking, always afraid his bandmate would forget. 'Thank God!'

'Sorry, I was –' Gerard started saying, but Frank's tongue was already in his mouth.

That's what they were there for. Not to make small talk, or anything. Just fuck. Gerard pushed Frank to the wall, his hand going under his shirt. Frank moaned, still not used to Gee's hands. They felt different, and it was hard to ignore he was making out with a guy, even though they'd been doing this for a couple months now. Gee unbuttoned his jeans, and his hand went under Frank's underwear. He was already hard. Still kissing him, all he could do was nod, before Gee went down on him.

By now there was no point denying it. Frank liked guys. Was he gay? He didn't know. He still liked girls, and wasn't sure if he wanted to put a label on it, but he was enjoying experimenting.

When Gerard was done, he got up, and for a moment Frank thought he was leaving, but he just rolled down his pants, and turned his back to Frank. Without hesitation, he got up, walked up to Gee.

'I – ' he said as they were putting their clothes back on later. 'I gotta go.' And just like that, as if nothing had just happened, Gerard walked out of the closet, after making sure there wasn't anyone around, leaving Frank by himself.


	6. THREE WORDS

They were about to get onstage, and the anxiety was killing Frank. It was always like this, but for some reason, today it felt different. He kept pacing back and forth in the corridor, smoking, while Gerard warmed up, and the crew got ready. The merch guy was following them with a video camera, which only made Frank more anxious.

Five minutes 'til their set.

He wasn't drunk enough.

Unlike Gee, who was already talking nonsense. Something about private parts blowing up, Frank didn't know. At one point, he hugged him and said, 'I love you.'

Frank knew he couldn't take him seriously. First, and most importantly, Gee was drunk as fuck. Most likely, he didn't know what he was saying. Also, he only meant it as I love you as a friend, Frank was sure. He only mumbled something that sounded like Iloveyou, but he wasn't ready to actually say it. Not here in front of everyone, not in front of that fucking camera.

Then, to make things even more uncomfortable, Gerard added, 'You're my two kid brothers,' referring to Frank and Mikey, who was there with them.

Wait – what?!

It took Frank a second to realize what he had just said, but it sure hurt like hell. So first he told him he loved him, now he was his brother?! What the fuck?! But he only laughed nervously, and hoped nobody saw that.

Two minutes left.

He started to walk away, following Mikey, but turned around one last time before leaving. There was something he had to do. Standing behind Gerard, he blew smoke on his ear and whispered I love you.

He walked away before Gerard could say anything, straight to the stage, and got ready. That night he played with everything he had, as if he had something to prove. The anger inside was too much to handle, but he was learning to use it in his favor while playing. So that's what he did.

Yet, by the end of their set, he was still angry and full of adrenaline. So much that he thought of kissing Gerard right there, in front of everyone. But he stopped himself from doing so. Which only made him angrier. He ran to the bathroom at the end of the hallway, and washed his face. He counted to ten. Breathe in, breathe out. Why did he have to say I love you? He just ruined everything.

He closed his eyes, and counted to ten again, hoping the anxiety would go away, when the door behind him opened. It was Gee. 'I wanted to check on you,' he said. 'Are you alright?'

Frank nodded from the mirror, tears in his eyes.

'Did you mean what you said? Before –?'

'Did you?' Frank asked.

No answer. Instead, Gerard pushed him to the wall, and kissed him. His hands found their way under Frank's shirt and then in his underwear. This was the perfect way to get rid of all the adrenaline, thought Frank. And it didn't hurt that it felt so good. He did love the motherfucker. But the only way to show it was like this.

He took off his pants, and turned around to let Gerard inside him. If he had to hide in nasty restrooms for the rest of his life to be with him, it was perfectly okay with Frank. He just hoped one day he could do it without the hiding. Without the awful feeling of wanting more that came afterwards. He hoped that one day they could walk hand in hand in public. 'I love you,' he said, out of nowhere. 'I mean it.'

Gerard just kissed him one last time and walk to the door. 'Meet me in the rooftop in ten minutes.' He did. Gerard was already waiting for him, a bottle of vodka in hand. 'I didn't know how to ask you on a date,' he said. 'So I guess this is it.'

'What?'

'Our first date.' Frank hadn't noticed the blanket on the floor, and the bag of chips. 'It's nothing fancy, but I have something even better.' Out of his pocket, he took out a bag of weed.

'Oh my –' That's all Frank could do to not cry. He couldn't help kissing him again. This was a lot! 'How – why –' He couldn't even find the words.

'I don't want you to think that I don't love you, or that I just want to fuck you. I just – I'm so confused right now, and I'm not sure how to, you know, tell everyone we're together. And I still have a girlfriend, and so do you. And what if –'

Frank jumped and put his lips on Gerard's to make him shut up. 'I get it,' he said. 'I'm not ready either.'

They kissed again, and then rolled a joint, and talked about growing up, and everything they missed about New Jersey, and that album Gee borrowed from Frank, and how the audience was singing their songs now, all while holding hands. I'm happy, Frank thought, a little surprised.


	7. CHRISTMAS IN NEW JERSEY

It was good to be back home. They finally had a break from tour, and had some time off with their families.

Although, it wasn't a happy time for everyone. Gerard and Mikey's grandma died right after they arrived, and after the funeral, they all went their separate ways. 

And as for Frank, things with Jamia were back to normal, just as if he had never left. Maybe it was what he needed, he wasn't sure. But having her back in his life felt right. He invited her out for dinner one day to tell her just how grateful he was. 'Thanks for coming with me,' he said.

'Of course!' Jamia replied. They've spent the past couple weeks together, to make up for all the time they were away, and she was confused as to why he seemed so happy that she wanted to spend time with him. But he was always a little emotional, which was cute, she thought.

He told him stories about tour, and all the places they visited, and their future plans. They were supposed to be leaving for Europe the following month, and start recording a new album right after that, with a major label! 'Can you believe that?!' he said, his eyes sparkled with excitement. They took a look around town, and talked about, if everything worked out, he'd get a place so they could move in together, and get a dog. They went out for a drink with friends, and as he walked her back home, he stopped her out of nowhere and they sat in a bench. He was clearly drunk. 'Hey – I wanted to tell you something,' Frank said. 'You're my best friend, and I'm telling you because you need to know before this gets any more serious.' But Jamia couldn't take him seriously when he was mumbling and smiling like that. So he just said it before he could regret it. 'I think I might be bi –'

She didn't know what to say, she just looked at him, a little confused, and he couldn't help wondering if she already knew, or if she'll break up with him.

'This doesn't change how I feel about you,' he continued. 'It's just something I've known for a while, and I definitely see myself with you, so I wanted to tell you, because I haven't told anyone else.'

She nodded, and hugged him. It was what he needed. Someone who understood, and accepted him. 'I love you,' he said, feeling guilty because she wasn't the only person he loved, but she didn't need to know that part.

'I love you too,' she said, hugging him while he cried his eyes out.

***** 

They were invited to a house party on Christmas day, organized by the Eyeball people. They weren't sure about going since Gee and Mikey were still mourning their grandma's death, but while Frank was having Christmas dinner with his family and Jamia, he got a phone call. 'C'mon, man!' It was Gerard. He was clearly drunk, which Frank knew wasn't good. 'I'm waiting for you!'

'Where are you?'

'At the party! I thought you were coming!'

'No –,' Frank said. 'I don't think going to a party and drinking is the best idea right now.'

'Too bad, because that's exactly what I'm doing. Now get your ass over here.' Then, Gee just hung up.

Frank didn't know how to tell his mom he had to go to this party, on Christmas Day of all days, but he knew he couldn't leave Gerard alone. 'I'm sorry, mom,' he said, putting on his jacket. 'Gotta go. Thanks for dinner.'

What he didn't expect was Jamia following him outside. 'I'll be right back,' he tried to explain. 'Gee asked me to pick him up from this party, because he's drunk.' He knew he shouldn't be lying to her, he was trying to stop whatever it was he had with Gerard, and settling in with Jamia, so this wasn't a good start. But he didn't know how to explain it.

But he didn't need to. When she saw the tears coming out of his eyes, she understood everything. 'It's okay,' she said.

He knew what she meant.

Jamia reached for his hand and continued. 'I know it's him.'

There was no point in denying it. But how to tell her their affair was over when he was about to run to the rescue? 'I – we're not –,' he tried to, but the words wouldn't come out, and he started crying. 'I'm sorry.'

Jamia hugged him. 'It's fine.' She knew this was hard for him, and he needed a friend more than anything.

'I swear I didn't want to feel like this, or for any of this to happen. I love you more than anything.' And he did, he wasn't lying about that. But he couldn't ignore those other feelings. 'If you ask me to quit the band, I'll do it.'

'I would never ask you that!'

'I want this to work, I want us to work. And I don't know if being with –'

'No, stop that!' she interrupted him. 'We're going to do something. I want this to work too, and I love you, and I'm sure the band is only getting started, so here's what we're going to do. You're going to go out there in the world, and you're free to do whatever you want. I give you that freedom. Let's experience life, and whatever comes. If we're meant to be together, we'll be together. I have faith we'll be.'

He kissed her. He knew it was hard on her, and that she was doing this for him, which meant a lot more to him. 'I want to be with you. Just you.'

'You will be,' she assured him. 'But we're young, and you're gonna be really famous, so I don't wanna make you feel like you can't enjoy life because of me. I'm still here, and we're still best friends no matter what.' She smiled with tears in her eyes, and gave him one last kiss. 'Now go and get Gerard before he does a scene.'

Frank couldn't help laughing at that. 'Oh, he probably did that already.'

He drove twenty minutes to the address from the invitation, crying his eyes out, hating himself for ruining the one good thing he had in his life. When he got there, just like he expected, Gerard was lying on the front lawn, passed out. 'Hey, buddy,' he said, helping his friend get up.

'You came.' Gerard's eyes shone when he saw him, but Frank knew it was because of how drunk he was.

'You know this doesn't help what you're going through, right?'

'What are you talking about? I'm perfectly fine!' But he wasn't. He started sobbing on Frank's shoulder.

'I'm here if you wanna talk.'

'I don't wanna talk,' Gerard replied.

'Fine. I'm still here.' He didn't mention he and Jamia pretty much just broke up because of him.

'You know what would help?'

Frank knew what he meant, but he doubt that was the right thing to do. And yet, to please him, he followed him into the guest bedroom upstairs. 'You mind if I take him upstairs so he can take a nap?' he asked a random guy in the kitchen.

'It's not even my house. Go ahead.'

So they did. And while Frank locked the door behind him, Gerard was already taking off his shirt, and pushing him to the side.

If this helped Gerard to forget about his grandma for a while, he was willing to help. And when he kissed his neck, he remembered what Jamia said. And even though the guilt was still there, it felt good to know it was just the two of them there. The rest of the world didn't matter anymore.

He put on the condom, and walked to the bed, where Gerard was waiting for him.

They made out, completely naked in a stranger's bed. Gee's lips felt warm on his skin.

He wanted to belong to him for the rest of his life. He wanted to share a bed with him, and grow old together. He knew it. 'I love you,' he said. But Gerard interrupted him with a kiss, and he knew that's what he needed right now, and he was okay with it. He was willing to do anything Gerard asked of him.


	8. GIVE ME ALL YOUR POISON

Los Angeles. The city where all dreams came true! And they did. The band had just arrived to record their second album, with a major label! They were making it!

They shared two rooms in an apartment complex, close to a practice studio where they spent most of the time writing songs. Then, they'd come back to their rooms late at night, tired and ready to go to bed. Or at least, some of them.

The Way brothers and Frank would usually go to a party afterwards. Now that they were in the big leagues, they'd get invited to private parties, or run into someone they met on tour or through their crew and go party with them. Exclusive clubs, a tour bus, some producer's apartment. It didn't matter, as long as there was alcohol and drugs.

Frank was aware he was drinking a lot more than usual, plus the pills, and all the other stuff. But the anxiety of recording this record was too much to handle, and this was the only way, so fuck it. Plus, Gee was also doing it, so why not.

Sometimes they'd be so wasted that the entire weekend was just a fog, and they didn't remember what kind of shit they got into. Sometimes, they'd be so fucked up they didn't mind making out in front of others. But as fucked up as he was, Frank knew he'd remember how it felt when Gerard kissed him.

That night, Gee and him went to this private club in Santa Monica, where apparently their new manager put them on the VIP list – the entire band, but the rest weren't in the mood to party, so Frank knew this was their chance to spend time together –. They didn't know anyone, except for Brian, but he was too busy talking to other people. The music sucked, but they weren't there to dance. They were there to drink until they passed out. And to get pills. They couldn't believe how easy it was to get drugs now that they had influences.

Frank was smoking a joint with a random girl – he was sure she offered him just to have sex with him, but that wasn't going to happen. If he was going to sleep with someone that night, it was with the person he arrived with. Except it had been a while since he last saw him.

'What the hell are you doing with this junkie?!' he heard someone say. When he looked up, he saw a blond surfer dude yelling at the girl. Frank couldn't help but laugh. 'What are you laughing at?'

'You,' Frank said. He was sure the guy looked familiar. Was he an actor? Who knows. 'She was just sharing her weed with me. Pretty good one, by the way. Where did you –?'

But just then Gerard was walking past him. 'Hey! Frankie, I got it!' Frank didn't know what he was talking about, but he got up, and followed him. They sat at the only empty seats by the corner, and Gerard handed him a glass of whiskey, and then from a small plastic bag, he took out a pill for himself and one for Frank. 'Cheers, my dear!'

'Cheers, my dear!' He swallowed the pill. Then another one, and another one. He never asked Gee where he got them from or what they were exactly. He trusted him.

Half an hour later, they were giggling and singing a Beyonce song, and Frank even tried to rap. God, I do hope he forgets this, he thought.

Out of nowhere, Gerard's hand was in Frank's back, and his tongue was inside his mouth. Something in him knew this wasn't the time or place to do this. Somewhere inside his intoxicated brain, Frank knew this was dangerous. But when he was in Gee's arms, nothing else mattered. He pulled his friend's hair, and pulled him closer. He smelled like he hadn't showered in weeks, yet his body was addictive. And as drunk as he was, he knew they weren't alone, and clothes had to stay on, so they had to stop at some point. Except he couldn't take his hands off Gerard.

They were only steps away from the men's bathroom, when opened his eyes and noticed people staring at them. He had forgotten for a moment the rest world didn't like men kissing men, as much as he liked it. And for one second he wished he didn't care. But instead, he pulled away, and walked straight to the door.

**********

They'd been living in LA for almost two months. They already had a bunch of songs written and were ready to actually start recording any time soon. By then, the partying was almost a daily thing, as well as the booze and pills. 'We're just having fun,' Gerard assured Ray when they made it back at four in the morning.

'Whatever, man. I'm gonna go and sleep in the other room,' the guitarist said.

When the door was closed behind him, Gerard turned to Frank and giggled. Frank laughed too, but he was too nervous. They had a room all to themselves. And they were drunk as fuck. Who knew what could happen.

But they were too tired, and went straight to bed. Frank was laying down on Ray's bed, when Gerard called him. 'What the fuck are you doing? Come and sleep with me!'

Fuck. They've been fucking for over a year now. But he wasn't ready for this kind of intimacy with him. Yet, he had no choice.

Given that his pajamas – he always got cold at night – were in the other room, he had to sleep in his shirt and underwear. And knowing Gerard was just inches away, made it hard. Literally. But he just wanted to sleep. So he turned around, his back facing Gee, and closed his eyes. And then, Gee's arm was around him, spooning him. By his snores, he knew he was asleep, but still, this was weird. Yet tempting. Fuck it, he pulled down his underwear, and decided to sleep naked. Just in case.

And without saying a word, Gee was inside him.

He didn't remember when he fell asleep, just hearing Ray screaming. 'WHAT THE FUCK?!'

Shit. They slept in.

They were completely naked.

In the same bed.

And Ray was yelling at them now. 'How – never mind, I don't wanna know how –'

'I can explain,' he heard Gerard say.

'Don't bother!' Ray replied.

Frank wasn't fully awake yet so he couldn't say anything, he just knew they were screwed. Now Ray knew, and he was going to tell the rest.

'I don't give a fuck if you guys are – whatever you're doing,' continued Ray. 'I just don't wanna see you naked first thing when I walk in my room.' He started walking out. 'And be thankful it was me and not your brother. He'd be traumatized for life.'

Once he closed the door, Frank couldn't help giggling.

'You think he's going to tell the guys?' Gerard asked.

'And traumatize Mikey? Nah!'

They didn't say anything else, and just sat there for a while, before Frank put his clothes back on, and kissed Gerard goodbye.


	9. BACK ON TOUR

They were touring nonstop for the past couple months, and the album was about to come out, which meant things would only get crazier.

They were drinking more, and taking other stuff. Frank couldn't remember when it turned this way, but it wasn't good. Gerard was drinking way more, Frank suspected to hide his feelings. His grandmother's death was still recent and they weren't quite ready for their sudden success. But Frank himself was doing it too. Mainly to hide the fact he was in love with Gerard and they couldn't be together, and now he was going around kissing other people.

He noticed since Ray found out about them, Gee started acting strange and putting some space between them. And though he understood, it did hurt when he'd start kissing a random guy at a party. But he was especially spending a lot of time with that Bert guy, from The Used. At first, Frank thought it was because of the drugs. But then he'd heard stuff about them hiding in restrooms. That was our thing.

So Frank started doing it, too. He asked a girl out – he believed she worked at the venue they played at that night, but he wasn't sure. Still, it didn't work. They went to buy beers at the 7/11 and talked for a little bit, but then he started crying, and she just left. He would go partying, and kiss random boys. Sometimes, more than kiss. It didn't quite fill the void, nor did it help with the heartbreak. But it was something.

Then, there was Luke, the guitar tech for one of the other bands, who caught Frank staring at his ass one day, but instead of getting mad or anything, he asked Frank if he wanted to go outside for a cigarette. They didn't say one word, and Frank noticed he was too tall, and standing too close to him. They ended up making out in the bathroom. They would do the same for the rest of the tour. And at one point the fucking turned into more. They would go out for a coffee and talk, and when nobody was watching, they'd hold hands. It felt good to know someone wasn't scared of being more than a fuck buddy to him. 'Can I ask you a question?' Frank asked. They were laying on the grass, behind an abandoned house, somewhere nobody would ever see them, smoking and holding hands. 'If I ask you to be my actual boyfriend, would you be okay with holding hands in public?'

Luke didn't know how to respond. 'Boyfriend?'

'Wait – isn't that what we're doing? We're going out, talking and fucking.'

'But –,' Luke said.

'That's what I mean. Actual boyfriend. Without all the hiding.'

'Are you serious?'

'That's why I need to know your answer.'

'No – I've been out to my family and friends for a while, and I'm just a guitar tech guy, nobody cares about my life. You're the one who still has a girlfriend back at home, and who's a rock star. Do you actually want to come out right now? You know how hard it actually is?'

Frank didn't say anything. He didn't know. But wasn't it worth it when you were with someone you cared about?

Luke continued, 'I'm okay with holding your hand in public, and you know it. But the fact you brought me here tells me you're not. But it's okay.' They shared a kiss, and though Frank liked him – a lot – he knew it wasn't the same as with...

But for now, he just cuddled with him, and hoped things changed so that he could walk hand in hand with him. Or even though he was trying to not think about Gee, he hoped they'd get back together soon.

***

Things onstage were.... bad.

The situation with Matt was just getting worse, and Gerard's addiction, plus him and Frank not talking to each other, created tension that was plain to see, and some people even thought the band would split up at any moment.

Gerard didn't even wait until they were behind closed doors to yell at Frank for screwing up on the last song. 'What the fuck are you doing, man?!' Gee yelled, and Frank knew it was just the alcohol talking. 'You need to focus!'

Frank saw the others just behind, watching the scene, and he knew this was more than just him playing the wrong note. 'Calm the fuck down. We're not doing this now.' The singer didn't say anything. He was probably too high to realize there were people watching him lose it. 'C'mon.' Frank dragged him by the arm to the greenroom and close the door behind him. 'I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, but you either stop drinking, or you stop this nonsense –' But he didn't finish what he was saying. Gerard punched him so hard in the face, he could swear his teeth fell out. 'Fuck you!' And then he was on top of him, punching him. They went back and forth, pulling each other's hair and kicking each other, and then Gerard had Frank against the wall, his hand around his neck, and kissed him.

Frank wanted to stop him, to push him away. But he couldn't. Instead, he pulled him by his shirt, pulling him closer, not wanting to let go.

'This is what I needed,' Gerard said, breathing in Frank's face. 'I don't know how I did it without you.'

No, Frank couldn't do this again. He had finally found someone who was willing to go out in public with him, who liked talking to him, not just fucking while drunk. He got free of Gee's hand, and walked away. 'I'm seeing someone else,' he said, once Gee wasn't looking at him.

'As if that ever mattered –' He tried to laugh it off.

'This is different. It's real. I actually like him, and if it works out, I might go public about it.'

'Wait –' Gerard couldn't believe it. 'But what about Jamia? You're still with her.'

'We broke up. Because of you!' There were tears on Frank's face now. 'Remember Christmas night when you called me? I told her everything. And she didn't break up with me, but she knew my feelings for you were bigger than anything, and even encouraged me to go after you! And then you go and kiss Bert and everyone else – so fuck you!'

Gerard didn't know what to say. But he hated to see Frank crying. So he went and put his arms around him to comfort him. He knew he was probably the last person Frank wanted to ever see, but he needed a hug. 'I'm so sorry,' Gee said. 'I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.'

'I know. I didn't mean to fall for you either.'

'I'm sorry.'

'I just know I don't want the band to break up. You guys are the only thing keeping me alive. And sometimes it feels like that's where we're headed.'

'I'm sorry,' Gee said for the millionth time. 'I promise I'll do everything to keep this band alive.' And then, he kissed him gently on the lips, and Frank felt he was flying, his feet weren't touching the ground, and his whole world was bright. This was the real thing.

Shit, I'm screwed, he thought.


	10. WARPED TOUR

What better way to spend the summer after the release of their new album than touring the country in a smelly tour bus, playing in the middle of parking lots, and not showering? But joining the Warped Tour was the greatest opportunity they could ever get.

And hanging out with other bands was a plus. When they weren't onstage, they'd be playing video games in another band's bus, or falling off a skateboard, or drinking in the parking lot. Which only made Gerard's addiction worse.

But Frank was always there to drink with him, or help him get up when he tripped from being so drunk.

That day in particular, after their set, they hung out outside some band's bus for an impromptu barbecue. Gerard had been drinking since he woke up, and hadn't stopped, and Frank was worried, but he knew he couldn't do much about it. He had tried, with no success. And maybe he was right. They were young, and their career was just starting, and they were supposed to be enjoying it as much as they could. But Frank worried too much about him to let him drink himself to death. Yet, he tried to relax, and just chill with his friends, having a few beers himself, and a vegan hotdog. These were the days he'd remember for the rest of his life, having made it, being a rock star.

But he couldn't help checking the group of people just a few feet away, where Gerard was talking to the drummer of... who knows what band. He couldn't listen to what he was saying, but just looking at him he was sure he was slurring his words, and making no sense. He couldn't help feeling a little embarrassed. But he'd been warned to leave him the fuck alone. 'I don't need you to save me,' Gerard had told him once just weeks before, when he started a fight to be beaten up just a second later. And though Frank would do anything for Gerard, he knew nobody could know he was in love with him. Not now.

But when Gerard's pants fell off – they did that a lot – and he saw a couple of dudes laughing at him, then Gerard yelled at someone else for not giving him another beer, right before he turned around, and fell, Frank had no choice but to go to the rescue. 'C'mon, man!' he said, pulling him up, Gerard's arm around his shoulder, giving him support. Gee tried to say something, but he couldn't understand. 'I don't give a fuck. You need some rest.'

And so he walked him to the back of their bus, where he kept his solar shower bag, and stripped Gerard off his jacket and shirt, and rinsed him off. 'You stink, man!' That was all he could say not to think about his bare skin right in front of him. So close, and yet he couldn't do anything.

'But this was your shower bag,' Gerard said, worried.

'I can shower tomorrow. You need it more than me.' Which was true. Who knows when was the last time he showered. And the smell of being under the sun all day, the sweat, alcohol and puke didn't help either. Frank washed his greasy hair, and put a towel around his shoulders, and then took him inside the bus where he found a dirty shirt he could put on. He unbuttoned Gee's pants – he'd done it so many times before, but this was different. It felt more intimate somehow. But he had to control himself. He gave him a pair of sweats – he was sure they were Mikey's but they would have to do. As he helped him put on the shirt, Gerard leaned in and kissed him, but Frank pulled away. 'They can come in any – ,' he said, but Gee didn't care. He pulled him by the shirt and kissed him again.

And just then, like Frank had expected, someone walked in. Mikey.

Frank waited for him to yell at them, or say anything, but he wouldn't. 'It's not what you think, Mikey,' Frank tried to explain, even though his hands were on Gee's cheek, and there was no way he could deny he was madly in love with his brother. But Mikey just grabbed something from the fridge and started to walk away.

Gerard, oblivious of what had just happened, sat down and was starting to fall asleep, while Frank ran behind Mikey. 'Man – wait –'

Mikey turned around, and didn't say a word, just stared at Frank. 'I –,' he started, and then stopped. Sometimes Frank wondered what happened inside his head. 'Look,' Mikey said. 'I don't know exactly what I saw, but I do know you care about him a fucking lot, and that you wouldn't let anything happen to him. So whatever you guys are doing, is fine. Just take care of him and don't break his heart.'

Frank nodded. There was no point in denying it now. Mikey knew. And he was right, Frank would never let anything happen to Gerard.

And now he had Mikey's permission.

When he walked back in the back room, Gerard was already asleep. I fucking love you, you moron.

****

Gerard had no idea how long he'd been passed out, but when he woke up, he was in the back room of their bus, and Frank was asleep next to him. And he looked too adorable.

Gerard had been staring at him for too long, unable to figure out why he, being so perfect, had fallen for someone as messed up as himself . He had this tiny angel looking after him, and he felt like he didn't deserve him. And then, the angel opened his eyes.

'Hey,' Frank said, smiling.

'Hey.' Gerard tried not to cry. 'You keep saving me. Thank you.'

'I'd do it again.' Gerard knew he would. 'And you needed a shower so bad!'

They didn't know what to say for a while. Gerard reached for Frank's hand, playing with his fingers between his. He couldn't help smiling. 'I want you to get better,' Frank said.

'I'll try.' Gee couldn't look at him, knowing his promise would probably go to shit because he couldn't do it. It wasn't that easy.

'I know it's hard, but I'll be right there with you if you need me. I don't want anymore of this, watching you like this.'

Gerard kissed him before he could say another word, not caring about anything else. 'I'll get better. I promise.'

There was more silence, holding each other's hands under the blanket they were sharing. 'Your brother saw us, by the way,' Frank told him.

Gerard panicked a little. 'Doing what?'

'Kissing.' Gerard's face was hilarious, and Frank laughed. 'Well, you were the one who kissed me. You know quite well I can't control myself when you do.'

'And what did he say?'

Frank would never tell him what Mikey really said. 'He gave us his blessing.'

'He did?'

Frank nodded, and they kissed again, and it felt like they'd stopped worrying about being caught. They wouldn't hide anymore. He had a weird sensation in his stomach that shit was about to get real.


	11. VISITORS' ROOM

Gerard had finally admitted himself in rehab.

It had been a difficult time for everyone, but Frank knew the one who needed support was Gerard. Besides, he was starting to miss him. So a week into his treatment, Frank visited him at the facility.

A nurse gave him a visitor sticker and walked him inside, straight to the visitors' room. 'He'll be here in a moment,' she said, leaving Frank alone. He was nervous, to say the least. They hadn't seen each other since they arrived from Japan, and he had no idea how bad he was.

So when he walked in, looking clean – like he had actually taken a shower – and more relaxed, he didn't know how to react. But he ran to him, and put his arms around him, hugging him tight. 'I thought I'd lose you,' Frank said, almost crying.

'I'm here,' Gerard said.

They sat on the couch, smiling at each other, not knowing what to say. They held hands, not afraid to be caught, and happy to have each other again. 'I missed you,' Frank told him, already crying. 'How are you?'

'I'm better.'

And Frank could see that. His eyes were shining, and he was smiling shily. Frank couldn't remember if he'd ever seen him this sober. He had met him at a party, and Gerard would usually be drunk onstage. So he looked like a different person. And yet, he was still the same boy he'd fallen in love with. 'You look beautiful,' he said without even thinking.

Gerard blushed. 'Shut up!'

Frank liked making him blush. 'I'm serious. Showers look good on you. As well as sobriety.' He at him, playing with a strand of his hair. It's weird without all the grease, he thought. 'I feel like I don't even know you.' Gerard frowned. 'I'm sorry – I don't mean it like that. I mean, I know it's still you. And I'm so happy that you took this huge step, and I want you to recover, and if that means I have to stop drinking too, I will. But I'm just afraid, it was the alcohol that made you, you know...' His played with his thumb on the back of Gerard's hand.

And then, out of nowhere, Gerard kissed him tenderly. 'It's not the alcohol,' he said. And they both smiled at each other before sharing another kiss.

They got permission from the staff so Gerard could take him outside to the garden, and sat under a tree to talk, never letting go off each other's hands. Gerard told him about his therapist, and what they talked about. 'No one really knows me here,' he said. 'They're mostly middle aged folks. So it's nice to just be a regular dude. It also allows me to do this.' He kissed him again.

Frank told him he spent the past week home, with his old bandmates, and that he saw Jamia.

'Oh. How was it?'

'Meh. We're still friends. But I don't know if it'll work out.'

'Why not?'

'Because I can't stop thinking about you,' Frank admitted, a lump in his throat. They stayed quiet for a moment, and Frank took Gerard's hand and kissed it, wishing they could do more than that. Wishing they could go out and tell the world they loved each other, but he knew they couldn't.

'I'm scared,' Gee said out of nowhere. When Frank turned to him, he could see he was crying, and it hurt. Frank had never seen him this vulnerable, never seen him crying. It was usually him the one crying, so he didn't know what to say. 'I'm scared I'm gonna screw it up as soon as I walk out of here. And I'm scared of how quiet it is now that I'm not intoxicated, and that it's easier to hear the voices inside. So I'm gonna need some help.'

Frank put his arms around him. 'I'll be here. Always.' He hugged him tight. He wanted to stop his pain. 'I love you.'

'I love you, too.'

His head still in Gee's shoulder, breathing in his neck, he said. 'This is going to sound nuts, but I'm gonna ask you something.' No answer, so Frank continued. 'Would you like to be my boyfriend?'

Still nothing.

'I mean – we don't have to go public. And we'll go as far as you want. But I'll be there for you, and take care of you. And I promise to be the best boyfriend you've ever had.'

'I've never had a boyfriend.'

'That makes it easier.' Gerard laughed in Frank's neck. 'So –'

Gerard pulled away to kiss Frank. 'Yes.'

Frank laughed, trying hard not to cry, before burying his head in Gee's arms again.

When they walked back in, Gee wouldn't stop smiling. 'Hey,' he said to the nurse. 'Have you met my boyfriend Frank?'

'Nice to meet you,' she said. Frank was smiling too. He promised to visit again, and hugged him goodbye. I'm dating Gerard Fucking Way, he thought as he walked out, still unable to believe it.


	12. SECRET BOYFRIENDS

It was the shooting of their first big music video with a major label, and it was amazing. They were supposed to be in a preppy high school – which brought Frank memories –, and they couldn't be more excited.

'You look good in a uniform,' Gerard told him while he helped him tie his tie, making him blush. There were lots of people around, but they weren't afraid to show affection anymore. At least in small amounts.

These whole being boyfriends thing was new, and sometimes they just couldn't hide it. But they were managing it. Frank and Jamia were back together, but she knew he and Gee had a thing too, and she was okay with it. She knew how much they cared about each other, and knowing they'd be spending a lot of time together, there was no point in stopping it. And Frank was grateful for that. 'Stop it,' Frank told him, and gave him a quick kiss before they joined the rest of the band.

During breaks, they would sit together, holding hands because they couldn't help themselves, and by now, everyone knew. 'So, you were actually this nerdy back in high school?' Gerard asked him.

'Nope. Just weird.'

'I would have like to know you then.'

'I mean, we can –' And without anyone noticing they walked out of the room, and straight to one of the rooms that no one was using.

Gerard sat in a chair, and pretended to be reading a book, when Frank walked in, wearing his sunglasses, and sat next to him. He gave him a nod, and Gerard laughed. They pretended they were listening to the class, and then Frank's hand went under Gee's underwear. Soon, he was on top of him, still with his clothes on, making out. 'What's your name, by the way?'

'Gerard.'

'I'm Frank, the new kid.'

Frank was starting to unbutton his shirt when the door behind them opened. It was Ray. 'Geeze, guys!' he said. 'Can't you stop touching each other for a second?! We're in the middle of shooting a video!' When Ray walked away, they both laughed hysterically, and fixed their shirts.

****

Another tour was almost over.

They had made it. They only had a couple TV performances and special concerts coming before the year ended, and it couldn't get any better.

Before the show, they were in the tour bus, watching TV. Gerard was sitting on top of Frank, doing his nails. 'Do you really have to be sitting there while you do that?' Mikey asked.

'Shhhh,' both Frank and Gee said in unison.

Before going onstage, Frank gave Gee a kiss, just like that, because he felt like it. No one said anything anymore. They were getting more and more comfortable doing things like that. Frank, mostly. He just couldn't keep his hands off his boyfriend, and he wanted the world to know. One day, he thought.

In the meantime, he fell asleep on Gerard's lap on the bus. Or they would stay up all night talking, or smoking outside. He tried to make Gee laugh, or entertain him in any way to keep him from thinking about drinking. He tried to make him happy.

He knew this life wouldn't last long. Once back home, they had to go back to their girlfriends, and pretend they were just friends. But for now, they were tour boyfriends, and everything was okay.


	13. TAST OF CHAOS

Only minutes before they were supposed to get onstage, Gerard was painting Xs on Frank's face. 'Don't move,' Gee told him.

'It fucking tickles.'

'But you'll look so good!'

'You're only doing this because Mikey didn't let you get near him,' Frank said.

'No, this look was made especially for you.'

Frank blushed. He wasn't used to getting compliments. 'You're only lucky because I'm the best boyfriend.'

'I know that.' Gee smiled at his creation. 'You can look at the mirror now.'

Frank did as he was told, and he actually liked the new look. He pulled Gerard by the tie, and planted a kiss on his lips. 'I love you.'

Once onstage, Gee walked up to him and grabbed his junk while playing. In front of everyone. It wasn't the first time. They just weren't afraid to do things like this anymore, though they knew people had no idea what was really happening. They just thought it was two dudes messing around with each other. Though Frank also knew what Gee meant was, see me backstage after this and you'll get more of this. In the meantime, he just laughed and continued playing.

When they were walking to the nearest restroom – Frank was already hard – they ran into Bert McCracken. Out of anyone, it had to be fucking him, Frank thought. And he remember what had happened last summer between them, and it hurt. 'Gerard, man!' Bert said. 'What a coincidence! You wanna come with me and the guys, and –'

'Sorry, man!' Gerard responded, surprising Frank by reaching for his hand, and holding it, fingers intertwined. 'I gotta do something. See you later.' Then, they just walked away.

'Holy shit! What was that?' Frank said, a little overwhelmed. He didn't know how to react. He was sure Gee only did that to make Bert jealous, but he still didn't let go of his hand.

'Well, I can't be around people while they do drugs, and that's absolutely what they were going to do.' And then he turned to Frank. 'And also, I'm kinda seeing someone already.' They walked in the restroom, and Gee pulled down his boyfriend's pants. He jerked him off, and Frank couldn't help moaning loud. And when he tasted Gerard's lips, they tasted like danger and safety. They tasted like chaos, and heaven.


	14. SUMMER FLING

It was that time of the year again.

Warped Tour summer.

But this time as a headlining band.

And things were different for the guys than the last time. For starters, Gerard was now sober. Though he had to try harder to stay so during this particular tour, staying in the bus instead of socializing, and focusing on writing songs for a new album. And Frank had Jamia with him this time. Not only they were back together, but they had started their own label slash company, and she was helping him sell their merch. But having her around wasn't bad.

They had been best friends for the longest time after all, and for once it felt their relationship was stronger than ever. They had finally found a balance in their lives, and were spending more time together.

But that didn't mean him and Gerard stopped having their affair. Starting with their stage behavior. Rubbing against each other, singing and their mouths getting too close, Gerard rubbing his crotch against Frank's ass. It was all part of the show, and no one batted an eye.

While off stage... things were strictly sexual now. No more acting like an actual couple in front of everyone now that Jamia was there. But they couldn't help it, and when they were around each other, the sexual tension was too much to handle. So they had to go back to finding places to hide and get it on.

'C'mon,' Frank told Gee as they walk past the crowd, and into a building behind the amphitheater. There was a long corridor, and at the very end, an empty locker room, with shower stalls in the back.

'Are you trying to tell me I stink?' Gerard asked.

'Just a little. But that's not why I brought you here.' He started taking Gerard's shirt off and kissing his sweaty chest. 'I needed you.'

They got in the shower, completely naked with their boners out, and started making out. 'I've been thinking about your fucking dick for ages,' Gerard told him.

'It's only been a couple weeks since the last time.'

'Well, it's not easy when your girlfriend is with you all the time.'

'Can we not talk about Jamia right now?' He grabbed Gee's member and started jerking him off. 'It's just me and you right now.' He kissed his neck and started going faster. 'Fuck me,' he whispered in Gerard's ear, who then did as he was told. He hadn't realized how much he missed Gee's hands touching him, how much he missed him inside him.

He wished he could stay all day in here with him, but he remembered Jamia was waiting for him at the merch tent, and though he tried to get her out of his mind for just one more second to enjoy Gee's warmth next to him, he couldn't. 'I'm sorry,' he said. 'I gotta go.'

Gerard didn't protest, he knew why.

Frank wished he could stay another ten minutes with him, maybe cuddle for a while. He missed that. He missed being taken care of, and missed taking care of Gerard. He missed their casual tender kisses back in their bus while they played video games. But he knew things had changed. And he loved doing that with Jamia too, and he missed her for the longest time and now she was finally there with him. He still had no idea how he could love two people at the same time, or how he was going to make it work, if it was worth it making it work. But he knew things were different now between him and Gerard, and he couldn't figure out exactly what it was. So he'll take these random hookups if that was the only way he could be with him. it was better than nothing.

Without saying anything more, they both got back in their clothes and shared one last kiss, and walked out, each their own separate way.


	15. LIVING WITH GHOSTS

After a short break, in which the guys spent some time home, trying to have a somewhat normal life while writing more songs for the new record, they made it to LA. Besides meeting a couple times at the recording studio back in NY, each of them continued their own lives. Gerard was living in NY, focusing on the new album. Frank spent his time in Jersey, being a normal guy, hanging out with Jamia, their relationship getting stronger every day.

But now, it was time for work.

The record label booked a house for them to stay in while they finished writing their songs, and possibly record the album there. But not just any house. The Paramour Mansion, which according to everyone, was haunted.

At first, they didn't quite believe it. They each took a room, and set up their instruments in the common area to write new songs. Frank took a room upstairs, and he didn't see anything weird.

But soon, the energy changed.

There was a cold, eerie vibe going on at all times, and everyone was stressed all the time. Frank started noticing Gerard behaving strange before they moved in the house, but it just got worse the moment they stepped in. 'Hey, man,' Frank said, walking in Gerard's room. 'I made some tea, and thought you might need it.' He found him sitting in his bed, with a terrified look in his face, as if he'd just woken up from a nightmare. 'Are you okay?'

Gee took a minute to answer, and when he did, he stuttered his words. 'Yeah, just stressed. I can't finish this one song, and I haven't slept.' There was loose notebook paper everywhere, filled with doodles and notes.

Frank sat next to him and left the tea cup in the night table, and then put his arms around him. 'It's okay. You know you can just take a day off if you want. Just say it.'

'No, we have to finish –'

'Shhh.' Without thinking, he kissed Gerard, knowing that would help to relax. They hadn't been together for so long. After the last tour, they each went their separate ways, with their respective girlfriends, pretended nothing had happened between them. Even though they saw each other a couple times back in NY to record the demos, they acted as friends – very distant friends – and went on with their lives. They'd been living under the same room for over a week, and Frank had been resisting getting closer to him again. But he couldn't help it. He missed him, and he wanted to protect him, and taste his lips again, even though he knew he shouldn't. Being so close to him, it was impossible to ignore it. 'You want me to stay here with you tonight?' he asked. Gee nodded. Frank put all of Gee's notes away, and got in bed with him, clothes on and everything. They were facing each other, their foreheads not even and inch apart, and Frank couldn't help putting an arm around Gerard. 'Is this better?' Gerard nodded again. 'You wanna talk about anything?'

'Not really. I just want some quiet.'

'Then, we'll be quiet.' Frank tried to fall asleep, but the truth was he hadn't been sleeping well either. And having Gee's eyes in front of him, and his lips –

He had to kiss him again.

And what started as a tender kiss, ended up in them taking off their clothes, and Frank biting Gerard's neck. Gerard's fingernails buried in Frank's back. 'Is it – okay?' Frank asked between moans, to which Gerard just nodded, and a second later, Frank was inside him.

Once they had both come, Frank lay in Gee's chest, recovering his breath. 'This wasn't what I was expecting when I came in to bring you tea,' he said. 'Just so you know.'

'Me neither.' Gerard seemed distant. Even though he seemed more relaxed than before, he was just somewhere else. 'But I'm glad it did.'

'I'm glad I could be of help.' Soon, he noticed Gee falling asleep, so he did too.

At some point, things got worse. Especially for Mikey, who then moved into Gerard's room, so Frank couldn't sneak in anymore. Then, Mikey moved out and took some time off which didn't help the situation.

They soon moved out of the house too, just in time for Jamia to come and visit Frank for a while, which was the perfect way to distract himself from everything. 'You keep saving me, you know?' he told her as soon as she arrived in LA. Every second he wasn't recording, he spent it with her, and he loved that feeling of coming back to her every day of his life after a long day of recording or playing a show. He loved knowing she was there when the day ended, and he didn't have to think about anything else. It was just the two of them. It felt good to be with someone just because and not out of lust or addiction. Just be.

So, he took her out for a walk after coming home from the studio, and went to this nice park with and overview. He had it all planned. And it was the perfect day. He couldn't wait. Except –

The park was already closed for the day when they got there.

Shit.

He wanted to scream.

But that would have ruined it. So right there, standing next to the gate, he got in one knee, and took out the cheap elephant ring he got for her. 'Jamia –,' he said, his voice shaky. 'Would you marry me?'

'Heck yes!' she said, tears already rolling down her eyes, and ran to kiss Frank. 'I wanna live the rest of my days with you,' she said in his ear. When they finally pulled away, she noticed he was crying even more than she was.

'I don't deserve you.'

'Don't you say that. You're the most perfect human being, and I'm so lucky I found you.'

'I love you.'

'I love you, too.'

It had already been a week, and Frank hadn't told the others he was engaged now. He knew they'd be happy for him, but that meant he had to tell Gerard, and he wasn't ready.

But they'd find out sooner or later. So he waited until the very last day, when they were done recording. Frank got Cokes for everyone, and gathered them back in the studio. They thought it was just to celebrate finishing the album, so they went along. 'Hey, guys –,' Frank started, the nervousness already consuming him. 'So, I just wanted to talk to you for a second, and um – tell you something important.' He just couldn't say it. 'So the other day, something happened, and – I asked Jamia to marry me, and she said yes.'

'What! That's awesome, dude!' They all said, congratulating him, hugging him, and Bob even carried him on his shoulders. But Frank soon noticed that Gerard didn't say a word.

So once the celebrations ended, he asked him if he wanted go for a cigarette outside. 'Congrats, man,' Gerard said, lighting a cigarette. Was he a little hurt? 'It was about time.'

'It was,' Frank couldn't help answering. 'We'd been together longer than I've been in this band.' He wanted to say longer than I've been with you, but he didn't. 'I remember we started dating just a couple months before, after I had the guts to ask her out, even though I already had a tattoo with her name.' He laughed to himself. 'She makes me happy.'

Gerard couldn't help interrupting him. 'So what does that mean? About us?'

'Well, we haven't been a thing in a while.'

'Oh, we haven't? So what happened last month meant nothing?'

Frank didn't know what to say. 'You know well it did.' He was trying really hard not to cry. 'Whatever happened between us – I'll never change it for anything. They were some of the best years of my life, and you know if it wasn't for Jamia, I'd be running away with you, and some days I even thought about doing it.' He took a breath, threw away his cigarette and was now standing in front of Gerard. 'The question is, would you do that for me?'

Gerard didn't say anything.

'That's what I thought,' Frank said. 'I wanna spend the rest of my life with someone who loves me just as I love them.' He gave him one last kiss on his cheek, and walked back in.

He knew this was hard for Gerard, but it was even harder for him. Yet, he had to. For everyone's sake.

Frank and Gerard broke up.


	16. WE'LL CARRY ON

It had been two very busy months since they started the promotion for their album The Black Parade. Filming the videos, festivals, photoshoots, promotion here and there, and some shows.

Which meant they had to be around each other 24/7.

Which meant Frank and Gerard had to be around each other all the time.

Frank knew it was going to be difficult. He still had feelings for him, no doubt. Those were really hard to get over. But he made a decision to be with Jamia for the rest of his life, and he had to be faithful to her. And after breaking up with Gee, they were both hurt.

Frank had already cried all he could, screamed, and cried again. During his time off after recording, which he spent with Jamia, he tried to get over Gerard, even though he knew they'd have to see each other again. God, it was going to take a long time.

Frank did his best to pretend everything was normal on the first few days, when they got fitted for their outfits. Spent most of the time hanging out with Bob, or drinking, to keep his mind off. It took them another couple days to talk to each other, and it was just casual, or joking around. But now, Gee and him were just friends.

Frank sometimes wondered if they had ever been just friends. He knew he had a crush on him the moment he met Gerard. Even on those early days of just talking to each other at parties, and smoking a joint together, there was something. Always staring at each other, smiling, sharing a secret language. Even though they didn’t start whatever they had until later, he knew they liked each other since the very first second.

But now they were starting from scratch.

As friends, nothing more.

No secret kisses, no cuddling in the tour bus, or any other activities that required them being too close to each other. So he avoided being around him unless there was someone else there, or taking Jamia with him.

And it seemed to be working.

By the time they recorded the music video, they were in good terms again, and joking around, being good friends as if nothing had happened. And Frank was thankful for that.

‘So – you’re talking again?’ Bob asked while they played video games in the back of the tour bus. 

Frank was high, and the only active part of his brain was focused on the screen, so it took him a second to register what Bob said. ‘Talking? What?’

‘You and Gerard?’ Frank pretended he didn’t know what he was talking about. What many people didn’t know was that Bob was actually a good friend sometimes. At least to Frank. Yeah, he could be an asshole, but Frank could really talk to him about anything. Even his feelings, and he never judged. Frank just shrugged. He didn’t want to admit they were talking again, and that it made him happy. ‘Don’t give me that, Iero!’

He laughed. ‘Yeah, we’re talking. It’s not like we ever stopped.’

‘Oh, really? Not even after you got engaged?’ And with that he beat Frank, and turned off the Play Station so they could actually talk.

Frank laughed again. ‘You say that as if we were a couple or something.’ He wasn’t the best liar, and Bob could read right through him.

‘Oh no?’ Frank didn’t know how to answer. ‘Man, it’s not like we didn’t know. You were literally making out in front of us all the time. And we heard what happened in that mansion.’

‘You did?’ He looked a little embarrassed out of nowhere.

‘You weren’t very discrete.’ Bob was always honest, and to the point. Frank liked that. ‘But whatever. I already know more than I want about it, I’m gonna keep my mouth shut. Just be smart, don’t throw something good away because of your pride. And before you ask, I’m talking about your friendship with Gerard. You guys can still be friends.’ He turned the Play Station back, and started playing.

‘Aww! You’re so sweet!’ Frank said and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

‘Ah! Get away from me!’

They had a show at the LA House of Blues on Halloween, and they all wore skeleton makeup, because Gerard made them. But it made Frank happy they were kinda dressed up for his birthday. ‘Happy Birthday!’ Gee told him, giving him one last hug before getting onstage, knowing he’d made his day.

It’s just a friendly thing, Frank thought.

But still, it made him smile all through the performance, and he had extra energy out of nowhere. But it was his birthday and he could do whatever he wanted.

And he was the happiest he’d ever been. At twenty five, he was going to marry the girl of his dreams, he was in his favorite band with his best friends, playing in front of thousands of people. What else could he ask for?

Well, he did wish Jamia was there that day. She tried to get a flight for that day, but because of her job she had to stay home a couple extra days. But she’d be there soon, and they talked on the phone all morning.

When the show ended, they all headed to the green room, where there was already a cake for him, and let him get wasted. They were all so tired they headed out straight to the bus and to sleep. And as usual, Frank went to the back of the bus, with his blanket and pillow, and watched a movie because he was too happy to go to sleep. What he didn’t expect was Gerard joining him. ‘I can’t sleep,’ he said, and sat next to him. He knew he was trying to keep his distance too, but there were dirty clothes and guitars everywhere, so that was the only empty space. Frank just nodded and continued. They hadn’t been alone in the same room in the longest time, and other than small talk or jokes, they hadn’t talked, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to start now.

They were in silence for about thirty minutes, paying attention to the movie, though Frank wondered if Gerard was afraid of starting a conversation, just like him. But without even noticing, they started making comments about the movie, or talking about insignificant stuff. And when the movie was over, the silence was so heavy you could hear it.

‘I missed being friends,’ Gerard said out of nowhere. Frank just nodded because he missed so much more, but was afraid to say it and ruining everything. ‘Why did it get so complicated.’

‘We made it complicated,’ Frank said. He didn’t realize he said it out loud until he saw Gee’s face. ‘I mean, more complicated than it should have been.’ It was the first time they talk about any of it.

‘What would you have done differently?’

‘I don’t know.’ But he did know. He would have told Jamia since the beginning, and he’d ask Gerard out, for real. He’d tell everyone, not caring if they’d like it or not. But he was already with Jamia, there were already feelings, and he still wasn’t sure Gerard would be okay with being out. But he wouldn’t have ended things with him. He wanted to be with him so bad. ‘But we can still be friends.’

‘Do you want to be friends?’ Gerard asked, catching him off guard.

Why now? Oh yeah, Gerard was single now, he wasn’t afraid of losing someone. Would Frank risk the one stable relationship he had for fucking him backstage? He had considered polyamory many times. But he wasn’t sure Jamia would be okay with that. She had done it before, though. Yet, he was trying to get his shit together.

He was so deep in thought, he didn’t notice Gerard had changed the channel, and had his head lying on Frank’s shoulder. Did he know friends weren’t supposed to do that? But also friends weren’t supposed to get erections when their friends got too close to them, and there he was.

Soon, Gerard was falling asleep, so he got up, but before he turned to Frank, and kissed him on the lips. ‘Happy birthday, Frankie,’ he said. And went to sleep.

Did friends kissed their friends good night?


	17. TELL ME I'M AN ANGEL

Christmas time was coming, and all Frank could think about was going home, and spending time with Jamia and his dogs.   
They still had a couple radio shows coming up before taking a break for the holidays, and then more touring. The album was doing even better than the last so it could be the only break he’d get in a while. As far as he knew they’d be touring all year.   
In the meantime, he’d give his all, and have fun with the band.  
And – there was Gerard. They weren’t exactly what they used to. They wouldn’t hold hands in front of everyone, and Frank wouldn’t sit in Gerard’s lap while watching TV in the tour bus. But they wouldn’t hide in some dirty bathroom to fuck either. It was an awkward phase in which there were secret looks, or spend more time together, just talking. And from time to time, when nobody else was looking, Gerard would lean in and kiss him, making Frank lose it completely under his lips. The warm feeling inside taking over, questioning if getting married was the right decision. He knew if Gerard kept doing that, he’d run away with him, somewhere no one could find them.   
But right now, they had a show to play, so he had to hide his feelings, and resist the urge to ask him to leave everything, and just walk out there, his lips still wet with Gerard’s warmth.   
During their set, he did his best not to look over at Gerard because he knew he’d get distracted, though that kiss was enough to make him feel like he was on cloud nine.  
And when the set ended, and he walked right behind him, he tried his best to contain his urge to push Gerard to the wall and take off his pants. No, no, stop it, he said to himself, staring at Gee’s silver hair. Take a breath.  
Once in the green room, he wiped off his sweat, and grabbed a bottled of water, taking deep breaths, in an attempt to ignore his little friend down there. But he noticed Gerard, looking at him from the other side of the room. Was that an invitation? No, it couldn’t be. They stopped doing that a while ago. They’d also stop kissing and flirting, yet they were back at it. He saw Gee taking a sip of water, still staring at him. It was a game now. Who’d cave in first?   
Not breaking eye contact, Gerard took his hand to his mouth, his index finger resting under his nose, smirking.  
Their secret code.  
It didn’t mean anything. It was more of a way to be a pain in the ass to each other, a little game. Whenever one of them did it, the other one had to too. No matter if they were in the middle of a conversation, or an interview. It was a way to acknowledge each other.   
But in that particular moment it meant, Yes, idiot! I know what you’re thinking, me too. And Frank couldn’t resist it. He knew he wasn’t supposed to be fucking him anymore, he was engaged! But she didn’t have to know.  
So he followed Gerard to a bathroom upstairs, not even caring about being seen together. They were bandmates, there’s nothing wrong about it. Once locked inside, his shirt was off immediately, and Gerard was slipping his hand under his pants. Frank smiled against his mouth, not sure why, but he found it funny how they ended up back in a bathroom about to fuck.  
And he didn’t know if it was Gerard’s dyed hair or what but he suddenly felt like doing anything he asked. So he took off his pants and turned his back to him, and once Gerard was inside, he let a moan so loud he was sure everyone heard it. But he felt great, and remembered why he liked it so much, and wasn’t ready to let it go again, wondering why they had to be apart even if he was with Jamia.   
There had to be a way to work it out.  
In the meantime, he just let the pleasure take over his entire body.  
Hoe, hoe, hoe! Merry Christmas to me, Frank thought.


	18. SO WHY DON'T YOU BLOW ME... A KISS BEFORE SHE GOES

They were supposed to leave for Australia for the Download Fest as the year started, but obviously Frank had to get fucking sick, to the point he had to skip all the festival dates of the following weeks.

He stayed home in New Jersey, Jamia taking care of him the whole time, and being Frank, he tried to take advantage of staying in bed all day, and worked on the lyrics for a new project he was supposed to be working on with his friends, when his phone rang.

A long distance call.

It was a good thing Jamia had left for work. ‘Hello?’ Frank said, his voice groggy because of the fucking virus trying to kill him, and because all the meds kept him sleeping all day.

‘Frankie?’

Gerard’s voice made him smile instantly, almost feeling like it was a cure to how shitty he felt. _If only_. ‘How are you doing, man?’

‘I’m dying,’ Frank said, mostly joking. He was always a little dramatic, but he did feel like dying. Also, he hated not being with them on tour, playing. And he missed Gee.

‘What?!’ Even though he knew Frank liked to overreact, he was still worried.

‘I’m not – I just – feel like shit.’ He was struggling to talk, but talking to Gerard was worth it.

‘I’m sorry.’ There was a pause, and it was obvious they both had a lot to say, and yet, they couldn’t. ‘I miss you.’

‘I miss you, too.’ Between having the holiday off, and Frank being sick, and now the band being away, they hadn’t seen a lot lately. But they’d been calling and texting each other, and Frank was honest about his feelings, and how complicated it had gotten, but how it felt even scarier now. ‘I don’t want to lose you, you know?’ Frank said. He was probably delirious from the cold medicine, but he meant it.

‘You’re not losing me.’

‘But I’m getting married, and you’re far away. And we can’t be together.’ He could feel the tears coming. ‘I can’t do this without you.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘All of this. The touring, and the press. I was going to tell you last time, but then you left – I just – please don’t leave me, okay?’

‘Okay.’

When Jamia came home, she found Frank sound asleep, still holding the phone. ‘How are you feeling?’ she asked, touching his forehead to check his fever. He just nodded. ‘Who were you calling?’

‘The guys called me from Australia,’ he answered with a smile.

‘Aww baby! I know you miss them, and you miss playing.’ She lay with him, wrapping her arms around her.

‘I don’t want you to get sick.’ He sounded a little more lucid now.

‘It’s okay. I’m gonna cook you a soup in a minute anyway.’

‘You’re the best, you know?’

‘Am I?’ She started kissing him, but he still felt too warm and weak. So, she went to make him soup, and then sat next to him while he ate, watching a movie, running her fingers through his hair, trying to make him feel better. Now that the medicine was starting to wear off, and his mood was getting better, she blurted it out. ‘We need to talk.’

Frank turned to her, scared. Was she breaking up with him? Was she pregnant? He knew she wasn’t the kind of person to talk about feelings or anything like that. He was the sensitive in the relationship, and he was surprised she’d put up with him for so long.

She continued before he said anything. ‘I feel that now it’s going to be harder for you to be home, and for me to go on tour with you all the time. And I know you don’t feel great, but I think we should talk about us.’

‘You don’t want to be with me anymore?’ he asked, almost crying.

‘Don’t say that! No, it’s not that. I want to be with you more than ever. But I just got a new job, and you’ll be touring nonstop for most of the year. I just feel – it’s time.’ Frank was more confused than ever. What was she talking about?! Why was she so nervous? They were supposed to tell each other everything. Well – almost everything. She reached for Frank’s hand, holding it tightly, and took a deep breath. ‘I know you and Gerard are still a thing.’

Oh.

So that was it.

She wanted to talk about that.

‘I’m not dumb. I know you guys were – you know – even after we got back together. And I get it. We don’t see each other as often as we used to, and you’re with him all the time.’ Frank was trying to hold in the tears, not knowing what to say. ‘And I don’t know if you’re in love with him too, or if it’s just sex, but I know I love you, and that you love me, and I’m sure we can manage something.’

Frank’s jaw fell, confused and on the verge of tears. He could not believe she was saying what she was saying. Did she really tell him it was okay to be with Gerard while on tour? ‘I – I don’t know what to say –’ he mumbled.

‘You don’t have to say anything. Just promise me you’re going to be honest with me.’

‘I am.’ Frank started crying in Jamia’s shoulder. He couldn’t tell her he was in love with his best friend.

‘And promise me that when you’re here, you’re all mine.’

‘I am.’

**

He joined the band a couple weeks later in LA, for a couple interviews and rehearsals for their next tour. They were stay at a hotel for the day, ready to do a photoshoot, followed straight by an interview. Not the most exciting time, but it was part of their job.

‘Stop smiling, Iero!’ Bob yelled at him, thinking he was planning one of his pranks or just being a pain in the ass.

‘What the fuck?’ he said. ‘It has nothing to do with you.’

‘Then what is it?’ Bob asked, throwing a dirty sock at him, but Frank still hesitated. ‘Say it!’

‘Fine – I got married last week.’

They all reacted at the same time, jumping in excitement, and celebrating with him. ‘Wait – but how? You didn’t even invite us?!’

‘Well – it was last minute. We took a little vacation as soon as I got better, and flew to Vegas. We were just planning on having some fun, drinking, staying at a nice hotel and gambling. But the night we arrived, I knew I had to do it, and you know –’

They didn’t have more time to celebrate before they had to go downstairs for the interview, but once they were done with that, Frank and Bob went out for a cigarette, and talked about it. Bob seemed happy for him, which was nice.

But then, Gerard was approaching, and Bob knew he needed to leave them alone. ‘Congratulations, man!’ Gerard said, obviously not happy. There was a long, awkward minute while Gerard took a drag of his cigarette. ‘So first you tell me you miss me, and not to leave you, and then you go and get married.’

Frank couldn’t help but laugh. The only reason he married Jamia was because even if he and Gerard got together, they could never get married, and they could never have kids. Unlike with Jamia. And she did love her, of course. Even more now that she told him he could still be with Gerard. And not knowing how to give him all that information, he just threw away his cigarette and turned around to kiss him. His hand traveled to his back, pulling him closer as the kiss deepened. ‘She told me she knows of this,’ he said. ‘She knows we’re still together in some way, and that she knows that there’s no point in trying to get me away from you while I’m still in the band.’ Gerard didn’t know how to react. ‘How can I not marry her when she lets me do this?’ He pushed Gerard to the wall and kissed his neck.

‘You know we have a room upstairs?’

‘Let’s go then.’

**

It wasn’t even a week into the Black Parade tour, and they still couldn’t believe the magnitude of it all.

Every day the venues were bigger, not a single empty seat, more and more kids singing their songs. And it was just the beginning.

The adrenaline in the room was astronomical.

The minute after the last chords of Helena played, and they thanked the crowd, they were off. They all sat in the green room, trying to relax. Ray and Bob played some video games, while Mikey and Gerard were talking in the corner. Frank grabbed a bottle of water to take his anxiety meds. He was starting to feel more anxious lately, and he hated that. He just wanted to crawl in bed and not wake up until the next day. Playing in front of so many people was fun, as long as he didn’t have to think about it. But as soon as that was over, the fun ended.

‘You’re good, Frank?’ he heard Gerard asked. Frank opened his eyes, and saw him sitting next to him in the couch, and just nodded. ‘Sorry to say this, but you don’t look good.’ They were behind him all the time asking how he was doing, since he was always sick or getting hurt.

‘Thanks, man.’

‘I don’t mean it like that. I mean, it looks like you’re not having the best time.’ Frank just responded by shaking the bottle of pills in front of him. ‘Oh.’ And then Gerard put his arms around him, running his arms up and down his back in an attempt to comfort him.

‘That’s better.’

They had a day off the following day – the only they’d had in a while – so they got them hotel rooms for the night, so they could have a good night of sleep. Gerard took Frank to his room, to make sure he was okay, but the minute they walked in, Frank pushed him to the bed, and started undressing him, his mouths still pressed together. ‘Are you sure?’ Gerard asked. ‘I mean, I don’t want to – and you need some sleep.‘

‘Shut up – I told you. I’m fine. This is what I need.’ He was licking Gerard’s stomach as he unbuttoned his pants. ‘This makes me feel better. I thought you wanted it too.’

‘I do. But also –‘ He didn’t even finished the sentence, as he let out a moan as Frank took his entire dick in his mouth. And he also couldn’t resist when Frank asked to be fucked.

Frank dozed off almost immediately, and Gerard tucked him in. he thought about going back to his room, but Frank pulled him by the arm. ‘Stay with me, please.’ So he did.


	19. WE OWN THE NIGHT

Denmark.

The first leg of the European tour had just ended, and they had a couple days off before more dates in the States. It would take them a whole day of flights and being stranded in an airport, and maybe another one of interviews and more photoshoots, but, for now, all Frank wanted was to sleep.

Him and Gerard were still hooking up, even though Gerard had recently started going out with someone else too. Frank knew it wasn’t that serious, and he didn’t have the right to say anything when he went and got married. And even though he didn’t like her, he didn’t want Gerard to be alone when he went off with Jamia. Though Eliza didn’t come with them for this leg of the tour, so they spent it together most of the time.

Still feeling a little medicated, he made it to his hotel room, threw his bags to the floor and went to bed immediately. He didn’t even take off his jeans.

Until – the sound of the door opening freaked him out, he almost jumped off the bed.

It was Gerard, of course. ‘I’m so sorry! I didn’t know you were sleeping already!’

‘What did you think I was doing?’

‘I don’t know – I’m sorry.’ He sat next to Frank in the bed. ‘Are you feeling better?’ He’d been on these meds for the last couple months, and sometimes he just seemed out of it, or moody.

‘A little,’ he said with his mouth against the pillow. ‘I just need some sleep.’

‘Can I stay here?’

‘It’d help a lot.’

Gerard massaged his back, knowing he liked it. ‘Hey, I –,’ he started, but noticed Frank had already fallen asleep, so he did the same.

**

‘Frank – Frank!’ Gerard called him, gently shaking him. ‘We slept in! We were supposed to be on the plane by now!’

‘What?! Frank jumped off the bed, and put on a shirt. He didn’t even remember when he took it off, or how Gerard ended up in the room, but he was glad he was here. ‘Those damn pills always knock me out.’

‘I forgot to set the alarm.’ They packed all their stuff, and stopped by Gee’s room to get his bag, before checking out. He noticed Frank seemed anxious, so he didn’t say a lot, and get them a cab to the airport. ‘Wait for me here, I’ll see what I can do about the tickets.’ They both wore sunglasses and their hoods up to avoid getting recognized. Frank did as he was told, sitting by the main corridor, hiding behind his bags, and using his jacket as blanket. Everyone did the same in this place, so he wouldn’t stand out. And he still fell tired and not in the mood for anything.

In other situations, he wouldn’t mind fans asking for pictures or get something signed, but all of their security team was gone, and he didn’t want anyone to see him like that. He heard Gerard approaching, and got up from his hideout. ‘Done. I had to use my cute face to convince them.’

Frank giggled, grabbing his stuff and following him.

‘We leave for London in an hour, we’re staying there tonight, and going home tomorrow.’

‘Wait – London?’

Gerard didn’t answer, and they stopped for coffee. He bought Frank a book to keep him entertained during the flight, and he slept through it. When they made it, maybe Frank was still out of it, but it seemed like Gerard had everything arranged, as a cab was already waiting for them as they walked out. ‘How are you feeling?’ he asked Frank, who just nodded, and held his hand and used his shoulder as pillow.

‘Are you sure this is where we’re staying?’ Frank asked, as they made it to the hotel. It seemed a smaller hotel, not the kind they’d been staying in lately, which was weird, Frank thought.

‘Yep.’ Gerard went to check in, and someone helped them with their bags to their room. It wasn’t until they were gone, and the door closed, that Gerard turned to Frank, and smiled big. ‘Surprise! It’s a surprise getaway!’

Frank just smiled, already having suspected there was something weird going on.

‘I had to steal you for a day.’ He pulled Frank closer, immediately leaning in for an open-mouthed kiss. He pushed him to the bed, and pulled his sweatpants off. Frank was grateful he chose to wear sweatpants instead of jeans that day, and just let it happen. Gerard went down on him, and Frank paid him by fucking him in the ass.

After taking a shower – together – they put on the most ridiculous outfits in their bags, and Gerard brought out a set of fake mustaches he had bought at a Halloween store and forgot to use. Once in disguise, they walked out to the streets of London, and had dinner at a vegetarian fish and chips joint, and then Gerard announced a theater nearby was doing Rocky Horror, and had bought tickets already.

Afterwards, they went to a nice restaurant that was in the rooftop of a building, and since neither of them could drink, they had non-alcoholic wine to toast.

It felt nice, Frank thought, even though they had to put on costumes and hide, having a date with Gerard, and spending time with him. ‘Thanks for doing this,’ he said. ‘I really needed it.’

‘I know. Me too.’ They held hands under the table, and kept talking.

They went to a separate terrace to share a cigarette. It was adorned with Christmas lights, and it had a swing chair, so they sat there, holding hands. ‘It reminds me of our first date,’ Gerard said, and Frank looked at him surprised, like he thought he wouldn’t remember. ‘I remember. We smoke if the rooftop, and I got wine and weed.’

Frank laughed. ‘Yeah.’

‘I knew then this was more than – you know – just fucking. And I wanted to make you feel special. Just like today.’ They shared a tongue kiss that tasted of cigarettes. ‘I wish I could –’ He stopped himself before continuing, and threw away the last of his cigarette. Then, out of his pocket, he got a ring.

It wasn’t an engagement ring. It looked more like a wedding band. It was silver, and it had a pattern carved. Gerard turned to him, holding the ring, their foreheads pressed together, and said, ‘I wish I could marry you for real. You have no idea how many times I’ve dreamed about that. But –’

Frank knew. First of all, it wasn’t entirely legal. Also, the band. Gerard pretended otherwise, but he did care what other thought about him, and it crushed him every time they criticized him or said something hurtful. Frank would give anything to change that, to make him feel he was the only thing that mattered and that they were wrong and stupid, but he doubted that would help. Gerard was just like that. And now they were getting more mainstream, there was even more pressure. Frank tried to remember none of that mattered. He was with Gerard now. ‘Tonight’s our night _,_ baby,’ he said. He put a finger to his mouth before he said anything that could ruin the mood.

Gerard couldn’t help smiling. ‘Anyway – I know you’re, you know –’ He seemed nervous, which was something Frank wasn’t used to see. ‘What I’m trying to say is, no matter the craziness of the situation, or how we have to do it, I want to be with you for the rest of my life, Frank –‘

Frank threw himself at Gerard, and kissed him, already in tears. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you.’

‘Now put that ring on!!’ Gerard did, winning a wet kiss from Frank.

‘But that’s not all.’ He searched in his pocket and took out another ring. It wasn’t like Frank’s, it looked more like a cheap version of a normal wedding band. ‘They were the only two I could find our size that weren’t very flashy or very expensive,’ he said laughing. He handed it to Frank, who didn’t even hesitated to put it on Gerard’s hand.

‘Now you’re mine.’

Later, back at the hotel, they continued where they left off, and cuddled with each other after. ‘You know what?’ Frank asked. ‘I didn’t even feel anxious today.’

‘I’m glad.’

Gerard still made sure he took them, and as Frank was dozing off, he asked him, ‘Can I call you my husband?’

‘You can call me whatever you want.’ But Frank was already asleep.

**

Frank woke up at early. Still didn’t feel real. He couldn’t believe he was in the same bed as Gerard, and though they weren’t technically married, they had sealed whatever it was they had, a promise to be there regardless of what happened.

Not that they needed to. Frank was a firm believer of love at first sight. It had happened to him once with Jamia, and maybe with Gerard too.

It took him a little longer to realize, to accept, perhaps. But it was definitely love.

He sometimes felt like theirs was a love for the history books. One of those who would end up together no matter what. Soulmates, maybe? He was sure they’d been together in another life, maybe many lives. But again, he was a hopeless romantic, so.

Gerard started to open his eyes slowly, and immediately smiled when he saw him.

‘Good morning, husband,’ Frank said, unable to hold in the laughter. They had morning sex until their bodies couldn’t take it anymore, and once his body recovered the strength to get up, Frank found Gerard by the window, completely naked. He went to hug him from behind. ‘What are you thinking?’ he asked.

‘That I don’t want to go back.’

‘Me neither.’ Frank wanted to believe he was saying it because of him, though he knew him enough to know he was talking about everything, the world out there, having to be Gerard Way, the savior of the broken, the emo kid. He hated tags. ‘But we have to. And I’ll be there if you need me.’

Gerard turned to kiss him again, before they started packing their bags to leave.


	20. PROJEKT REVOLUTION

'Fuck, Frank! You're so needy!' Gerard said as he pulled out. 

'You know you like that.' And he did. They'd been sneaking out in their bunks and bathroom stalls or wherever they could for the past couple days since tour started, as well as the past tour. 

Not that they needed to hide.

Everyone there knew about it. They were always together, more than usual, and Frank might had let it slip once or twice when talking to random people when they asked why he was so ecstatic. 

But they were both horny as fuck, and would use whatever free time they had to hook up. 

Gerard had just ended things with his girlfriend, and things weren't so perfect between him and Jamia. They had a fight the last time they saw each other, and with Frank's mood changes, he was sure she'd leave him for good. The only thing to keep his mind off was Gerard.

'Let me suck you off,' Frank said. 'I'll make it quick.' Gerard obliged, though he wanted it as much as Frank. 

Gerard had a to do a couple interviews, while Frank went to take a quick shower before the show. 

That day Gerard seemed excited, and he was wearing an all-black suit, making Frank hard just before getting onstage. He knew what he was doing. 

So Frank was in the game.

When his finger started bleeding after cutting it with his guitar, he walked up to Gerard wiped off the blood on his face. A couple songs later, during Prison, Gerard tried to peck him, but Frank turned around last second, playing hard. Yet Gerard didn't give up.

He walked around the stage and then came back to Frank and kissed him, open mouth and pulling his hair, tongue sticking in.

Fuck.

Frank lost it.

Gerard knew that was enough for Frank to give in and surrender to him in front of everyone. He even stopped playing guitar and wrapped his arm around Gee to pull him closer. 

He was in heaven.

This was everything he wanted. To be with him.

But no. Gerard had to pull apart, yanking on Frank's hair, and walking the other way to continue with the song.

Frank had to keep playing too, as if he didn't have a semi hiding behind his guitar, as if his heart wasn't beating like crazy after that kiss. 

He wanted to yell to everyone that he loved Gerard Way, but knew better than that. 

But he knew Gerard's plan was to tease, and if he was lucky, they'd finish off in the bus later. 

The set was over, but Frank was still floating, and all he wanted was to find somewhere to go with Gerard, but they had lots of press to do, and his pants were getting tighter. 

When all the media left, they all went on as normal, Frank and Gerard avoiding the big elephant in the room. They knew everyone would be talking about it, so they decided not to. It wasn't like it was they hadn't kissed onstage before. Just weeks before, Frank had planted one on Gee's lips, out of nowhere. He wondered if that was payback.

Luckily, Mikey wasn't around for this tour, and Bob and Ray knew better to go somewhere else and leave them alone. And though the bunk wasn't big enough to go crazy, by now they knew their ways. 'Fuck me, please,' Frank begged, pulling down his pants and pushing his ass to Gerard's front. When Gee was inside him, he began moaning immediately. 

'I love you, Frankie,' he said, pumping him until they fell asleep. 

***

They went on like that for the next few days, though Frank sometimes wished it was more than just sex. He knew Gerard could be romantic and thoughtful. He had taken him to London and they got fake-married, for fuck's sake! 

Frank would plan an impromptu date for them, but it was hard to find somewhere to be alone that wasn't a dirty bathroom or the back of the bus. After a quick one in the bus bathroom first thing in the morning, Frank tried to bring it up. 'We should do something later.'

Gerard didn't say anything and just pulled up his pants. 

'Not like this. I mean, like a date.' 

Gerard gave him a look. 'Where? We can't really get that far from the venue, and there's nowhere here we can't be without getting caught by fans.'

'So we're back to fuck buddies? What's the point of both of us being "single",' he said, adding the finger quote marks, 'If we're just fucking, just like before. Besides, should I remind you, we're fake married.'

Gerard looked at him in a way that was hard to read. Did he regret having fake-married him? Was he scared it could be more serious now? 'I don't know,' was all Gerard could mutter.

'I'll think of something.'

As promised, later that night, as everyone was packing to leave, and the buses were getting ready, Frank took Gerard outside, and through a shortcut to get to the building behind the stage. Gerard noticed he was carrying a plastic bag and a blanket. They went up a ladder and ended up in the rooftop of the stage, looking over the entire venue. 'Nice view, huh?' Frank said as Gerard joined him, and then pulled him with his free hand for a kiss. 'I know it's not much, but I wanted to make it special.'

'So rooftops are our thing, huh?'

'I like that.' Frank lay the blanket on the floor, and sat there, Gerard joining him. 'I know it's not the healthiest food, but it's what I could get from the vending machine.' He took out some cookies and chocolates and chips, and two cans of Coke. 'Now tell me, how are things with the Umbrella Academy comic?'

Gerard smiled at him. He did wish to give this a chance. He did dream of sharing a house with him and coming home to him, and he'd know he'd be the best real husband, and they'd have the best life together. But things weren't as simple. 

He was starting to get questions about that kiss, more and more. And more people were speculating about him. He wasn't ready to open up to the world.

But he wasn't ready to give up Frank. He told Frank what was the last update, and then they started talking about the music they were listening, the things they've seen on tour, stories fans had shared with them, and their lives. They lay on the blanket, holding hands, looking up at the stars, and for that moment, everything was perfect.

***

It had been a couple days already since Gerard would disappear out of nowhere. Two days before, Frank would have been with him, hiding somewhere. But Frank was there in the bus with the rest.

'Frank, can you go get him, please?' Ray asked. 'We have an interview in an hour.'

'Why me?!'

'You even have to ask?' They pretty much shoved him out of the bus, and he had no choice but to look around the places he'd probably be. Paid a visit to the Taking Back Sunday guys, but he wasn't there. He looked around, checking everywhere he'd see people gathering around, but he wasn't there. 

And then, just a couple feet away, next to one of the buses, he saw him. 

Not alone. 

He was with a girl. Frank was sure it was the bassist of MSI. And yeah, a second later, she jumped at him and kissed him, and he kissed her back.

Fuck, no.


	21. THE SHARPEST LIVES

Frank did his best to pretend he hadn’t seen anything, told the guys he didn’t see Gerard anywhere, and played sick when Gerard finally showed up.

It was a good thing his meds had kicked in by the time their setlist was about to start because the last thing he wanted to think about was Gerard, standing feet away, looking like that, and knowing he couldn’t have him anymore. Or how much it hurt that he just forgot about the promises they made, how just days before they were hanging out in that rooftop and it felt like they had a future. He would be crying if it wasn’t so medicated.

He didn’t want to feel anything.

When the set was over, he’d get in his bunk and cry himself to sleep.

He tried to avoid Gerard as much as possible, or anything for that matter. It was already hard to deal with breaking things off with Jamia, now Gerard and him were over too.

It wasn’t a couple days later that Gerard finally cornered him, sending everyone out the bus, so it was just him and Frank. ‘Hey – Frank,’ he called from the hallway, approaching the bunk area. He sat next to Frank’s bunk – his was one of the bottom ones – and opened the curtain. ‘C’mon, we need to talk.’

‘I’m fine,’ Frank mumbled, clearly in tears. He’d been telling everyone that, trying to convince them he was, despite being obvious he wasn’t.

‘You may tell everyone that, but you know I don’t believe you.’

‘I don’t give a fuck!’ he yelled.

‘Can you at least look at me?’ Gerard pulled Frank so he was looking at him, but Frank still avoided eye contact. ‘C’mon.’

‘Don’t you think I know? About her?’

There was complete silence, for the longest time. ‘I’m sorry. I did want to talk to you.’

‘Don’t I mean anything to you?’

‘Frank, you know you do, and you know this doesn’t change anything.’

‘Doesn’t it? Then why did you change? Why haven’t to even attempted to talk to me? It’s like you’re avoiding me.’

He was right. Gerard couldn’t even deny it. ‘We can work it out, it’s not like we hadn’t done it before.’

‘Do _you_ want to work it out?’ Gerard didn’t say anything. ‘I guess that’s my answer.’

For the next couple weeks, the tension was obvious.

Onstage, Gerard would tease Frank, and Frank would tease back, leaning in when he was singing, rubbing his sweaty head in his back, kneeling down, right by Gerard’s crotch and rubbing it. Frank didn’t even know why, maybe he was just playing along. But backstage, they would barely talk to each other.

Gerard would disappear to some interview or with Lindsey, while Frank would go somewhere to feel sorry for himself, and sometimes he’d find someone to relieve his needs with. It wasn’t hard to find someone. A crew member, a roadie or a friend of a friend. Sometimes even Matt Cortez, who was filling in for Mikey, and was a close friend of his. They’d walk to a restroom somewhere, and masturbate or blow each other. Nothing serious. Maybe make out. Frank just wanted to keep him mind off Gerard.

It worked a little.

Frank tried to ignore Gerard when he brought Lindsey on the bus, and when he tried to be his friend, as if nothing had happened. Frank had tried to approach him once to kiss him, just to be a pain in the ass, but Gerard’s look made him stop. _You can’t do that anymore,_ it said. And it hurt like hell.

He didn’t know if that was the reason, how much it hurt, or just being high on anxiety medication, or being a pain in the ass as usual, that made him do it. But right in the middle of them performing, seeing Gerard standing right there next to him, Frank felt the need to throw himself at him. To just hug him? Kiss him? He didn’t know. He just did it.

And he didn’t know what to expect. But certainly it wasn’t Gerard shoving him to the floor, which was what happened. So Frank fought back, and clung to him, causing Gerard to push him away again, until they were both on the floor, fighting. Or more like, Frank taking it.

The song continued, with Ray, Matt and Bob playing as if nothing was happening, ignoring them completely.

Then, Gerard shoved him to the floor again, and walked away, kicking mics, obviously pissed as the song ended.

Frank got up, tried not to cry, and continued as normal, ignoring Gerard for the rests of the set.

When they walked to the bus, though, they all knew it was coming. Gerard yelled at Frank the second they were all inside. ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?!’ he said, pushing him aside, while Frank took it, again. He did want to punch Gerard, but he would never do that. Never. ‘Don’t you understand that when I tell you to stop, you have to stop! We’re not doing this anymore, it’s over!’

That was what Frank needed.

He just walked away, got in his bunk and cried himself to sleep, like he’d done for the past week or two.

Even though it was still uncomfortable between Frank and Gerard for the rest of the tour, they all did their best to keep it going.

Frank knew in a matter of days, the tour would be over and he could go home and forget about everything for a while.

Except on the very last day, Frank went to bed, as usual, trying to avoid everyone and ready to leave the next morning, but Bob woke him up in the middle of the night. ‘C’mon – Gerard is calling us.’

‘What? Why?’

‘I don’t know. Just get up, and let’s go.’ Frank did as Bob told him, put on a shirt, and followed Bob out the bus. When they met everyone, it seemed like there was a party going on, though there weren’t a lot of people there.

And in the middle of everything, it was Gerard and Lindsey. ‘Thanks for joining everyone,’ Gerard said. ‘Surprise, we’re getting married!’

What –

The –

Fuck –

Was he for real? They had been together for like a month, and they were getting married? What the hell was going on? Was she pregnant? Frank had been with him way longer.

Fuck.

Why did he invited Frank? Was he trying to rub it in his face?

Frank just wanted to run away from there and hide, but Bob knew that and stopped him before he did. And in an attempt to make it seem like he was there for his best friend, he got on a table, and took his phone out to take pictures of the whole ceremony, or whatever the fuck it was, despite it hurting so much.

‘I pronounce you, man and wife,’ said the guy they hired to officiate the wedding, and Gerard and Lindsey kissed.

Everyone cheered for them – except Frank – and when they all went to congratulate them, so did Frank, hugging Gerard tight. ‘Congratulations, man!’ he said. ‘I wish you the best.’

‘Thanks,’ Gerard replied, knowing everything Frank actually wanted to say to him.

Then they pulled apart and Frank walked away, leaving the party. _Fuck him,_ he thought.


	22. LIE TO ME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hoboken, baby!

Home sweet home.

After such a long and hectic tour, and not to mention everything else, Frank finally got home to New Jersey. It was so strange to be back at his small apartment that he had barely lived in before going on tour, and now it was more pathetic because Jamia wasn’t there.

They hadn’t talked in the past couple months. Frank thought this time was for good. She’d never forgive him, and though he knew he deserved it, he missed her, and he didn’t want to be alone. Especially not now.

But he didn’t have the guts to go and ask her for forgiveness.

So he crawled in bed and tried to get some sleep, so he didn’t have to think about anything.

Soon, a couple of weeks passed by, and he was still feeling sorry for himself. He wasn’t sure when was the last time he showered.

But nothing seemed to matter anymore.

Except he had to leave for another couple shows with the band soon, and he had to see Gerard soon.

He’d have to find a way to not cry around him.

Maybe now that things were over with Gerard married and all, he should be trying to fix things with Jamia.

He knew life went to shit the moment he let her go.

He needed her again.

So before he regretted it or gave it any further thought, he changed into some clean clothes and got in the car that he hadn’t used in ages. He stopped at the flower shop, hoping no one there would recognize him.

It was weird going back to normal.

He hated the looks he got. How he felt it would never be normal again.

The only way was with her next to him.

So he drove to her parents’ house, knowing she’d be there. He’d been at this house so many times, before all the craziness. It felt so different now.

When he rang the doorbell, Jamia’s brother opened the door. Evan was already taller than Frank, but he still thought of him as the little kid who wanted to play guitar and look up to him. ‘Frank!’ he said, almost excited.

‘Evan –’ He tried to reciprocate the excitement, but it was impossible. ‘Is your sister home?’

‘Yeah. You want me to call her?’ Frank nodded.

He waited outside, not having been invited in, but he understood. Two minutes later, Jamia walked out.

Without saying another word, he started crying, and she ran to comfort him. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said in her neck.

She didn’t ask for any explanation, but he gave it to her. At least part of it. He didn’t tell her that Gerard had gotten married and that was why they weren’t seeing each other anymore. He didn’t want her to think that was the only reason he was there looking for her. Because it wasn’t.

He chose to just say things were complicated between them, and blame anxiety and the fact that he missed her like hell. ‘You know I’ll be here for you always,’ she said. ‘It’ll be really hard to get rid of me.’

‘I would never want to get rid of you,’ Frank said, leaning his forehead against hers.

‘Good.’

***

A couple weeks later, he left for Mexico, for the band’s show over there. It was going to be a big deal, apparently. The label wanted to film it and record it, so they were supposed to be in their best behavior.

Frank took his anxiety pills and hoped they numbed him enough to do his job and not think about anything or _anyone else._

It was working…

And then Gerard started flirting halfway through, and Frank couldn’t help smiling back and getting excited. He had Gee’s attention again.

_Nope. Nope._

He was not going to fall for it again.

After the concert was over, he put on his headphones, and sat somewhere far away from everyone, and tried to take a nap.

He wasn’t going to play Gerard’s game anymore.

***

At least going back home wasn’t so bad now that Jamia was waiting for him.

She tried to help him feel as normal as possible, have a normal home life, eating meals together when he was home, watching TV, and hanging out with their friends. Frank reunited with his friends of Leathermøuth, the band he was forming the last time he was home, and tried to stay busy, organizing a show with his record label to show the songs they had.

It was so different from My Chem, which was exactly what he intended, and he expected no one to show up, but the place was packed.

Only four days later, he had a show with My Chemical Romance in Hoboken, at Maxwell’s out of all places. They used to play there back in the beginning, and he knew it would bring so many memories.

Maybe after the concert in Mexico, which had left him somewhat confused, or maybe all the memories with Gerard, or he was just feeling like shit, but it wasn’t as easy.

And then Gee kept flirting, or walking over to him and kissed him on the cheek. He even had the guts to do dirty gestures in the middle of a song, as if asking if he’d like a blowjob, clearly directed _at Frank._ Frank couldn’t help himself and nodded, not sure if he was just trying to be funny or actually asking, but it was too late, and he had already admitted.

And then the motherfucker even said, ‘This song – is about not loving somebody.’ And then he looked AT FRANK!

He was ready to just get off stage and never come back.

But he couldn’t.

Even after the rest of them did for the encore, when Gerard sang Cancer, Frank stayed. He sat by the side of the stage, leaning on a speaker, and watched him sing, doing his best not to cry.

***

Frank waited for him in the bathroom, as agreed, just like old times.

He thought he wouldn’t show up, and it reminded him of all those times since back then he’d done the same. He was tired of it. He didn’t know why he was still waiting for him. Maybe he still had hope that things changed, and Gerard left Lindsey to be with him. But he knew that would never happen.

Maybe he needed closure.

The door opened, and Gerard didn’t even say a word and just pushed Frank to the wall, his lips pressed against Frank’s, while he took off his shirt.

Frank let him.

He needed him.

He needed his warmth against him.

He needed him inside him.

With Gerard’s mouth around his cock, he felt complete again.

When he kissed him, everything was right.

But he couldn’t keep playing this little game anymore. He couldn’t let Gerard decide when or where to be together. He was still pissed off at him, for fuck’s sake!

With Gerard’s tongue down his throat, Frank pushed him away. ‘No – we can’t do this,’ he said, surprising Gerard. ‘I can’t do this anymore.’

‘But –’

Frank got as far away as he could being in that tiny bathroom, knowing he couldn’t resist being near Gerard. ‘You decided to get married. We both did. We didn’t have the fucking guts to be together properly.’ He paused, fighting the tears. ‘I fucking fought for you so many times, even after you forgot me and left me. But then, every time you came back as if nothing had happened, and be all sweet and romantic, before you left me again.’

Gerard didn’t know what to say.

‘I would do anything for you, and you know it,’ Frank continued. ‘If you leave me, I’ll wait for you, and you know that too. But not anymore. I’m done.’ He wasn’t even angry.

‘Frankie –’ Gerard knew the effect that nickname had when it came from him.

‘Stop it. I don’t know what you want, or what your plan is. If you just want to play with me, or you’re serious. I have fucking feelings, you know? You knew it since the beginning, and you played with me, knowing that I’d be there with you.’

Gerard was crying too, but his pride didn’t allow him to tell him how he felt, so he just hugged Frank, hoping that was enough.

‘Can we just be friends?’ Frank said, hugging Gerard back, breathing in his neck. They stayed like that for a while, and when they pulled apart Frank continued. ‘No kisses, nothing else. Just friends. I might need one.’

‘Let’s be friends then.’

Frank didn’t know if he should trust Gerard, but he knew it was the only way to keep making music with them. If it didn’t work, he’d have to quit the band. There was no other way.

But how could he be just friends with someone he loved so much?


	23. MEDICINE SQUARE GARDEN

_There's way too much on my mind_ _  
To give you all my time  
But I know, there's something wrong_

Frank really thought things would get easier after that.

He just wanted a fucking break.

Enjoy playing music with his friends and be happy.

But it kept getting worse and worse

They weren’t enjoying it anymore. It felt more like a job, and that wasn’t what he signed up for. They went from one city to the next, no rest. The label told them the album was doing better than ever, and they had to take advantage of that. If things kept that way, there was a chance of them playing Madison Square Garden, which made everyone a little excited, if it wasn’t because they still had to survive a few months of endless shows.

At the beginning of the year, they headed to Asia.

Frank was tired, and over everything.

And his body took a toll. He got sick again, and this time he didn’t even insisted on keeping going, especially after finding out one of his relatives was in critical condition. He went home, and saw his family, and took some time off to recover. He had to get better for his wedding ceremony. Even though they were married already, and now that they were back together, Jamia and Frank decided to throw an actual ceremony with their family and friends.

He still had a couple weeks off before heading out, so they just stayed home and relaxed. ‘What’s going on?’ Jamia asked when he saw he hadn’t talked all night.

‘Nothing,’ Frank mumbled.

‘You know you can lie to anyone, including Gerard, but me?’

Frank just gave her a look, knowing she was right. ‘Just – I’m not sure if I’m enjoying it anymore.’

‘But you love playing.’

‘But not like this.’ She ran her fingers through his hair and cuddled with him to make him feel better. ‘I feel like I’m dead inside sometimes. And this is too much for me.’

‘You know it’s okay to quit.’

‘But I don’t know if I want to quit. I just want everything to go back to normal. Playing small shows, without the pressure.’

Jamia heard him cry, but didn’t say anything else. She understood. He was under a lot of pressure from the label, media, fans, and he couldn’t handle it. ‘We can go see your therapist tomorrow,’ she said, even though she knew what was his opinion on shrinks.

He knew they couldn’t help him. He just wanted to scream and cry until it didn’t hurt anymore. But unfortunately, it didn’t work like that.

And because he knew it meant a lot to Jamia and his parents that he’d get help, he called his therapist the next day, and met with her later that night. And though he doubted that it would help, he still told her everything.

That it hurt so much to love someone so much and knowing he couldn’t be with them. And that he felt like life didn’t have a meaning anymore, and he wanted to quit.

He knew she couldn’t help him, but if felt good to get it off his chest.

She just upped his meds, which he knew would make playing worse, and that feeling of emptiness inside grow, but what else he could do.

_I got so scared last night_ _  
I couldn't breathe, I was paralyzed  
I got so sad last night  
My eyes deprived of light you shine  
I couldn't see your dark_

He went back on tour a week or so later, and back to his routine of popping pills before the show and blacking out. He still didn’t know how he was able to play, and it sucked that he didn’t remember what used to make him happy, but it was either that or having anxiety attacks onstage. He also nothing things didn’t change from before his break.

They weren’t talking anymore.

He didn’t know if he preferred everyone fighting or not talking, but he hated seeing his friends like this.

It’s like nobody cared anymore.

And the promise he and Gerard made to be friends went to shit because Gerard avoided him like the plague, and well, Frank was still pissed at him. And Lynz was there all the time.

He could only think in a couple of weeks, they’d be playing Madison Square Garden.

He didn’t know what would happen after that, but at least he could rest for a while.

_If love is blind, cross out my eyes_ _  
I won't mind at all  
'Cause some might say  
That better days  
Are on their way, but they lie_

The day had come.

The last day of the tour.

Possibly of their career.

Frank was nervous as fuck. He was afraid of what may come, or the band coming to an end and never seeing Gerard again. He didn’t know if his life would have meaning now.

He took his pills. He knew it was a big date, and he wanted to remember it, but he had no choice.

He took a deep breath and walked out behind the others.

_1, 2, 3, 4_

Soon, the last notes of Helena were played, and they were getting off stage. When did that happen? Frank had no idea.

Backstage, they were waiting for them with a buffet and their friends were there. But that didn’t mean it was a good time. There was tension. A lot.

Frank had invited his friends from Pencey Prep, and he was talking to them, ignoring everyone else.

Gerard was nowhere to be seen, but Frank was sure he was somewhere with Lynz, and he couldn’t help laughing.

At some point, Gerard came out of a room by himself, and Frank knew there was something weird, and he had to go after him. Everyone there already knew about them, so he didn’t give a fuck. He pulled him by the arm and took him to one of the trailers, and locked the door behind him. ‘What the fuck?’ Gerard said.

‘What happened?’

‘What?’

‘In there, with Lynz –’

‘You care now?’

‘Who said I didn’t?’ Frank asked, but Gerard didn’t reply. ‘Look, I just wanted to ask – what now?’

‘I don’t know,’ Gerard whispered.

‘It’s over? All of it?’

‘I don’t know. I don’t know what’s next. I’m not sure I really want to keep doing it.’

Frank held in the tears, because he agreed, he didn’t know if it was the best decision to continue. But he didn’t want to say goodbye to his dream, his friends. Gerard.

There was a long silence, and Frank noticed Gerard’s hand running down his arm and taking his hand. He wanted to say something, he knew he _had_ to say something. But he couldn’t. Gerard’s breath was so familiar, and he missed it too much. ‘We said we were going to be only friends,’ he said.

‘Maybe I don’t want to be your friend.’

 _Fuck, no._ He wanted the same thing. He wanted to run away with him at that very moment, and leave everything behind. He wanted him to fuck him and never go out there again. So when Gerard pressed his weight against him and kissed him, he lost control.

If this was goodbye, they better make it one to remember. Gerard had him pinned on the couch, their lips together. He pulled down his pants and started stroking him while leaving bites all over his skin. No one loved him like Gerard. He knew that. And Gerard knew no one would ever love him like Frank. No one would ever feel like him, and no one would ever give him what Frank gave him. It was a love for the history books, and no one would know about it.

After he came inside him, he cuddled on top of Frank, not wanting to let go, and then kissed him on the cheek. He noticed Frank was crying. ‘Please don’t cry.’

They put their clothes back on, and before Gerard headed out, he turned to Frank. ‘Goodbye, Frankie.’

Frank didn’t say anything, just waved at him, and stayed there crying for a while.

When he came out of the trailer, he saw Gerard leaving with Lynz.


	24. YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING RIOT

The crowd was cheering.

People were waiting for him.

Frank wasn’t sure if My Chemical Romance would ever be a thing again, but at least he had something. He was still part of something, he was playing music and letting it all out in front of a crowd.

Every night he went out there and sang as loud as possible, until there was nothing left and he was left spent. And every night he felt a little better.

It worked better than therapy and pills.

And it felt fucking good to hear the kids singing his own songs.

He never thought people would actually like Leathermouth, but they did, and the response was surprising.

He missed the guys, though he had seen them not long ago at Ray’s wedding. But it wasn’t the same. Especially not with Gerard. They all seemed distant, almost like they were avoiding each other and what they had. Especially Gerard.

So he moved on too.

At least he tried.

Him and Jamia had agreed on an open relationship when they got back together, and even though it was over with him and Gerard, he allowed himself to see other people. Mainly to get over Gee, but he would never admit that.

There were different guys, but when tour started him and one of the guitar techs would sneak out after the show was over and drink and smoke a joint or two before they fucked in the bathroom. 

At first it was just to get off, but Frank found himself caring for this kid soon. So much that after he got offstage, he pulled him to the side where no one could see them, and planted a kiss on his lips, out of nowhere. ‘What was that for?’ the guitar tech asked.

‘I just wanted to,’ Frank replied with a smile, and pulled him to the restroom.

His name was Cory, and Frank kept repeating his name as he sucked him off. And when they were smoking after breakfast the next day, Frank wouldn’t keep him his eyes off him, and he had to take him on a date. To the diner, but a date nonetheless. Followed by a trip to the record store, where Frank talked about his favorite albums, and he honestly saw himself hanging out with Cory and being actual boyfriends.

But he knew it wasn’t fair.

As much as he tried to hide it, he couldn’t stop thinking about him. And even though Cory’s tanned skin under him tasted different than Gerard’s, and he felt different inside him, he couldn’t help thinking about Gerard.

His songs were for him.

He still wrote poems for him.

And as much as he told himself that they couldn’t be together anymore, and that he had to move on, he couldn’t give up that easily.

A part of him still had hope that they would end up together.

Coming home after tour felt amazing.

He slept for days, and when he woke up, Jamia was there to take care of him.

She knew how to make everything better and that was why he had married her.

She tried to make him feel normal. They would watch movies all day, and go out to eat and have sex all night, and be a normal married couple for once.

All his anger went away when he was with her.

The phone was ringing like crazy.

He tried to reach it, but he didn’t really want to wake up. Jamia was off to work. He thought it might be her, asking for a favor, maybe to pick her up.

When it rang again, he finally answered, without even opening his eyes. ‘Yup,’ he mumbled.

‘Frankie?’

Fuck. It was Gerard.

What the fuck? Why was he calling? Why now? ‘Gee?’

‘Yeah – I wanted –’ A long silence followed. Shit. Frank thought about hanging up, but he didn’t dare to. It was the first time he heard Gerard’s voice in months. He was calling him Frankie again. The last time they saw each other, he didn’t even talk to him. ‘How are you?’

Was he crying? He didn’t want to think about it because his heart ached. ‘I’ve been better.’ Take a deep breath, he told himself. ‘You?’

‘I miss you.’

‘I miss you, too.’ Now it was Frank the one about to cry. He had so many things to tell him. he just wanted things to go back to normal, he wanted them to go back to the way it used to be. ‘I love you.’ He couldn’t help himself.

He still felt the same way, and he needed him to know.

‘I love you too. And I wished I wasn’t so stupid,’ Gerard admitted. ‘We could be together right now.’

‘I know. You are an idiot. But I still love you.’

Frank smiled to himself. They hadn’t talked like this in a while, and it felt so natural. The way it should be, he thought to himself.

‘Look,’ Gerard interrupted the awkward silence. ‘I just wanted you to be the first one to know. We got invited to do a song for the Mad Men movie, and –’

‘What?! Are you fucking kidding me?!’ Frank got excited, and jumped off the bed. ‘I bet you’re happy, motherfucker.’

‘I am.’ Frank could swear he could hear him smiling. He imagined him and that made him smile.

‘I’m happy for you.’

‘Well – just pretend you don’t know anything when they call you, okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘And I guess we’ll be seeing each other soon, then.’

‘I can’t wait,’ Frank said, the biggest smile on his face. ‘I love you.’ It felt good to say it.


	25. DESOLATION ROW

They were back in the recording studio.

Doing a cover of a Bob Dylan song, for a soundtrack movie. But they were playing together again, and it felt fucking great.

Frank made it to the studio in New York, a big smile on his face, happy to see his best friends again. But especially Gerard.

He would always be his weakness.

No matter how hard he tried.

As long as Gerard was there, his powers were gone.

'Hi, Frankie,' he said, welcoming him in the studio.

'Am I the first one here?'

'I might have told the others to be here at nine, so yeah.' Frank couldn't help it. He walked up to Gerard and let him hug him like he used to. God, it felt so good to be back in his arms. 'I missed you so much.'

'I miss you, too.' He hid in Gerard's neck, wishing time could stop. He just wanted to be with Gerard like the good old times.

They sat outside, smoking and drinking coffee, catching up. Frank told him about the Leathermøuth tour, and Gerard talked about The Umbrella Academy release. It felt good to talk about stuff just like they used to, as if nothing had happened. They made jokes as usual, and Frank was happy to have him back in his life, even if it was just as friends.

Though he knew they'd never be just friends.

What they had was too intense to ignore.

Soon, the rest were there and they started working on what they wanted for the song, and played it together once just to get the vibe.

It was magical.

The second they started, even if they had no idea what direction to take. The fact they were all in that room, together, playing together again was magic.

That first day, they just practiced all day, mainly trying to turn an eleven-minute song, into something shorter.

They came back the next morning, and started working on the actual track, and Frank noticed Gerard was nervous, but he figured it was about not getting the song right or something like that, but he was a little nervous too. It was a big deal, doing a song for a big movie. That could be why Gerard was nervous. It was one of his favorite comics, and he was sure he was under a lot of pressure. 

By the end of the day, he went to check on Gerard, just to make sure. 'You okay, man?'

'Yeah, I –' He couldn't even look at him in the eye. Was there something more? 'I actually wanted to talk to you.'

'Okay.' Frank had no idea what it could be, but he imagined it was related to Lindsey. Had she told him to stay away from Frank? He wouldn't be surprised.

Gerard took him to the hotel he was staying in, and Frank hoped he just wanted to go back to the way things used to be. Maybe that's why he wanted to talk to him. Tell him he was sorry, he had made a mistake and he wanted to be with him for the rest of his life. He knew Frank would drop everything and leave with him.

He didn't say that. At least not yet.

The minute they were inside the room, with the door locked behind them, Gerard pushed him to the wall, and started kissing him, while his hands pulled him closer by the waist.

Frank didn't complain, he just let it happen.

Fuck, he wanted it more than anything.

And then, he just stopped, before it got more intense, and kissed Frank's forehead. 'I'm sorry,' he said. 'All I wanted was to be with you, and I thought we had another chance –'

Frank stayed silent. There were so many things he wanted to say, but he didn't dare.

'I –' Gerard paused, and then started sobbing in Frank's neck, who didn't know what was happening, but he comforted him nonetheless. 'Linz is pregnant,' Gerard said once he calmed down.

Frank went quiet again, still stroking his back, fighting the tears. 'It'll be okay,' he said. 'You'll be a great father.' But he still wished it was them having kids together.

****

After being unable to sleep, hating himself for believing they had a chance, he stopped at the grocery store on his way to the studio, and bought the biggest stuffed puppy he could find.

When he made it to the studio, everyone gave him looks as he walked in with a giant dog. He found Gerard in the booth, talking to the crew, and he noticed how his eyes were shining when he saw him come in. It was going to be so hard.

'Hey,' Frank said, eating his pride and reminding himself not to cry.

'Frankie,' he said and pulled him to one of the storage rooms.

'For your baby,’ he said handing him the puppy. Frank thought he was going to hug him, thank him for the gesture. But no, he went straight for a kiss. Not like the passionate, almost violent ones they used to share. It was tender, and he wished they could have that since the beginning.

‘It reminds me of that stuffed dog I gave you, the one I got from a vending machine, remember?’

Of course he did. He still kept it. It reminded him of when it all began, how it felt, that kiss outside the truck stop. ‘Yeah.’

'Tell them it's from Uncle Frankie.'

Gerard just made a face, like he didn't like the uncle part. 'Uncle? You're just Frankie.'

That made Frank tear up.

'I wish it was different,' Gerard said, catching him off guard. Did he mean what he thought he meant? 'I wish it was you and me.'

'You know that's impossible.' He reached for the singer's hand.

'I know. But I still like to imagine it.'

'Me too.'

'I wouldn't have married her.'

Frank looked up at him. 'Are you happy?'

Gerard didn't say anything, but that was enough answer for Frank. He knew him well enough, but he couldn't do anything now. Not with a baby coming. 'We'll figure it out, okay?' Gerard said after a while. 'But I won't give up on us.'

'Me neither.'

***

A month later, the phone rang again.

'I just wanted to check on you,' Gerard's voice said. Frank's stomach turned. It was usually him checking on his friend, at least back in those awful days. But now it was Frank the one feeling like shit, and he was glad his friend was there for him.

'I'm fine.' He wasn't lying. Gerard was back in his life, and there was hope.

There was a long silence, before Gerard started again. 'So – recording went nice. We should do it again.'

That brought a smile to his face. 'Yeah.' After another silence, Frank continued. 'I like making music with you, and in spite of all the other shit that comes with it, good and bad, I still wanna do that.'

'Me too.'

And so they made plans to meet again. Write songs and be a band again. And more importantly, they promised to keep in touch more often. 'I want you in my life, Frankie,' Gerard said.

And that was all he needed to hear.


	26. CONVENTIONAL WEAPONS

Gerard looked fucking stunning.

Frank couldn’t stop looking at him since they got out of the hotel. He was still months away from being a dad, but it suited him.

‘You look – really good,’ Frank said with a shy smile, making Gerard blush. He loved having that effect on him.

‘Thank you. You too.’ Gerard fixed the collar of his shirt. ‘This soft dad look suits you.’

Frank laughed. ‘Funny since you’re the dad here.’

He leaned closer, planting a quick kiss on Frank’s lips. ‘You’re right. I’m the daddy here.’

He couldn’t help laughing. ‘Shut up.’ And he was lucky Jamia and Mikey walked out of the hotel, or god knows what he’d done to Gerard. ‘Ready?’

‘Yeah,’ his wife answered and then took his hand. He knew she knew what they were doing, but they would never talk about it.

And Frank was glad he had left Lindsey home.

All he could think about was Gerard, and that promise he made to be in his life again. All he wanted was to be with him again, and he hoped they could have a private moment to _talk_. And maybe more.

He just wished they could walk the red carpet together, hand in hand. He imagined what would it be if they had gotten the guts to come out and say they were together. Walking next to him, Frank imagined what life would be if they could get married and be a couple in everybody’s eyes. Husbands.

He loved how that sounded.

As the photographers took their pictures, he imagined what would it be to be Gerard’s husband. _Frank Way. Or would he be Frank Iero-Way? Way-Iero? How many kids would they have? They’d live in New Jersey or LA?_ He preferred to fantasize a perfect life with him than focusing on all the cameras and everyone looking at them.

Then came the interviews.

Though they only wanted to talk to Gerard. Mostly about doing the soundtrack for the movie, and the song. But they also asked him about a possible movie of _The Umbrella Academy._ And Frank couldn’t be prouder of him. He had seen all the work Gerard had put into those comics, and seeing them being a reality was amazing.

After the movie was over, Frank tried to get a moment with him, to at least tell him how proud he was, or that he was excited to start recording another album with him. Or maybe finish what they started at the hotel.

But everyone wanted to talk to him, and there were more interviews. And then he got a call – it had to be _her_ , he knew – and Gerard left without even saying goodbye.

***

They had been recording songs to no end for months.

It had seemed a hard album to write. They struggled to find a concept, a story behind the songs, and Frank knew Gerard was frustrated during the whole process.

He assumed it had to do with being a dad, and marriage, so he didn’t worry at first. He knew that if his friend was going through something, he’d tell him.

And maybe it was that, but Gerard let it out on his bandmates and their work. He didn’t like anything they were doing, and he demanded more takes. And every time Frank tried to talk to him, ask him if there was something wrong, Gerard would say it was nothing and walk away.

After the Watchmen premiere, they hadn’t really talked or had a private moment to do anything else. Though Frank understood. He was a father now.

Maybe that made him change his mind, realize that he couldn’t do whatever he was doing with Frank. And Frank couldn’t blame him, to be honest. Maybe it was for the best.

Once they finished recording, it got even worse, though. Now it was time to mix, and Gerard hated everything.

Frank tried to help, but to no avail.

Gerard wanted to throw away their hard work, and it all had been for nothing. Sometimes Frank wondered if the band had a future, but he knew the last thing to do was to ask Gerard what was wrong or how to do things. He’d only get mad at him. So he took some time off, and went home to Jamia.

Maybe they all needed some time off.

***

When they didn’t know what to do with the original album, and after a short break to think things through, they got a new producer, with a new view and a new idea.

Gerard called them to the studio in LA to start working on the songs and the concept. They were doing it right this time.

What he didn’t expect was Frank had something to tell him too. He texted him to meet in the apartment he had just rented with James Dewees, and Gerard thought it was to give him the tour, and who knew, maybe _hang out_ like the old times. So he brought snacks and cigarettes.

They didn’t have a lot of furniture yet. But at least he got a bed, so they sat there.

And Gerard noticed he was serious.

That wasn’t normal in Frank.

‘How is Bandit?’ he asked.

‘She’s getting bigger and bigger.’ Gerard couldn’t help smiling when talking about his daughter. It was something he never thought would happen.

There was another silence. ‘Can we have a cigarette first?’ he asked, and the singer had to comply.

After their cigarette break – he almost finished the whole pack – and not saying a word, they sat in the bed again, and tears started to build in Frank’s eyes.

‘Jamia is pregnant.’

‘That is awesome! You always wanted to have kids! Congratulations!’ Gerard hugged him, genuinely happy for him.

And then Frank pulled away. ‘No. It wasn’t supposed to be like this! It was supposed to be you and me!’ he cried.

‘Frankie –’

It broke his heart. Nothing hurt more than seeing Frank cry. ‘You know that’s not possible,’ he continued, wiping off his bandmate’s tears. ‘And you love Jamia. And she loves you. You really make a great family.’

‘I know. But I wanted you to be my family.’

‘Me too.’ He comforted Frank for a while, wishing he could do more than that. Wishing he and Bandit were his family, and lots of dogs. Perhaps another baby on the way. ‘One day, Frankie. One day.’ That seemed to relax him. ‘One day we’ll have a house, and tons of kids and dogs, and it’ll be just me and you.’

‘You promise?’

But Gerard didn’t answer. Instead, he pressed his lips against Frank’s. That was better than a promise. He took off Frank’s shirt and kissed his chest, then the sparrows on his stomach.

He knew he shouldn’t.

He shouldn’t cheat on his wife and he shouldn’t lead Frank on.

But he meant it.

He really hoped one day he and Frank could run away – with their kids now – and start a new life. He wasn’t lying when he told him one day it’d be just them. They’d have to find a way.

‘I promise,’ he finally said, cuddling on his chest.


	27. KISS ME YOU ANIMAL

Frank saw Gerard from the other side of the room.

He was the only thing he could see, and not just because of his bright red hair that made it impossible for anyone not to notice. But he was still Frank’s entire world, and as long as they were in the same room, nothing else existed.

And he was back in his life.

Not just as a bandmate or a friend.

He was _his_ again.

Yes, they were both married, and they still had to hide, just like in the old days. But they were back together.

It took them some time after that night in Frank’s apartment, many more nights in that same bed to realize how much they missed each other. In every sense of the way. Their bodies, their minds, their souls.

Gerard had to write him almost an entire album to prove to him that he saw him as more than a political statement buddy. He never admitted it to the guitarist, but Frank knew it. It was like their little secret language.

And even though he never said it out loud, he knew he had written the entire backstory to the album so his and Gerard’s characters were together. ‘So this _Fun Ghoul_ and _Party_ _Poison_ are a thing, huh?’ Frank asked once before they started filming their promotional video.

‘Is it that obvious?’

‘Maybe? I love it.’

They both to become dads to realize they deserved to be happy to be the best fathers. And that they couldn’t stay away from each other no matter how much they tried.

Now they were back on tour.

They had only been promoting their upcoming album for a couple days in Europe, away from their wives, and they would flirt all day, little looks and smiles from across the room, Gerard playing with his hair, gentle touches here and there, both on and off stage.

‘Happy birthday, Frankie,’ Gerard said in his ear. They were half naked in a green room in a theater in Paris.

‘You already said that – too many times for the past couple days. And it’s not my birthday anymore.’

‘But I want to celebrate you every day.’ He leaned in to kiss him aggressively, while Frank pulled from his red hair. ‘I have a gift for you, actually.’

‘Another?’

‘Yeah –,’ Gerard said panting, undoing his tight pants and pulling them down. ‘It’s right here, baby.’

Frank laughed, looking down at the singer’s erect member. ‘I love it.’ He also loved how comfortable Gerard seemed with this more feminine version of himself, and how confident he seemed. Especially around Frank, who always encouraged him to do anything that made him happy. But he especially loved his dick and how warm it felt in his tongue.

He loved his pale skin and his hands all over him, owning him.

And Gerard knew the power he had. He knew it only took one look from him for Frank to melt. But he wasn’t interested in taking advantage of that. He wanted to take care of him, and be the best person possible for him.

They both enjoyed this new dynamic they had going. Less aggressive, more tender.

Gerard straddled Frank, aligning his entrance to the shorter man’s member.

They were both sweating and moaning becoming one with the other. Gerard licked Frank’s tattoos and dug his short fingernails on his back, while Frank sucked on the tender bit of the other man’s neck, not giving up until he left a mark that said he belonged to him. Soon, Frank was coming inside him, and it felt so good. He really needed that. He knew he was supposed to be celebrating Frank but he was the one who was enjoying it the most. ‘I love you, Frankie.’

‘I love it when you call me that.’

‘I know.’

‘And I love you.’

After they had finally recovered their breath, and cuddling naked next to each other, they put on their clothes and fixed their hair so nobody suspected anything, even though they knew they all knew. ‘You left a hickey!’ Gerard yelled when he looked at his reflection in the mirror.

Frank laughed. ‘Yes. I wanted everyone to know you’re mine.’

‘Yeah, and _she_ will know too.’

‘Oh, fuck I didn’t think of that.’ He quickly looked around for a piece of clothing to cover it, but found nothing. Then he saw someone left a makeup bag on the table, and he looked inside until he found the eyeshadow palette. With two fingers, he smeared some red and blue over Gerard’s neck, camouflaging the hickey. ‘There, nobody will know.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yeah, it just fits the whole album aesthetic.’

‘I guess.’

Soon, they went back to the band’s greenroom, and Frank could swear Mikey gave him the evil eye. He knew what they were doing. But he never said anything.

All through the night, Gerard gave him looks, and Frank smiled back. He sang Happy Birthday to him again, and when the set was gone, and they were walking back to their greenroom, he leaned in to whisper something in his ear. ‘ _I love you, Frankie.’_ And he couldn’t help smiling.


	28. DON'T YOU REMEMBER YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVE ME BABY

With every day that passed, things seemed to get better between them.

Frank couldn’t understand why, but now that they were fathers, it seemed to help somehow. Before, their relationship, or whatever the heck they were doing, it was filled with anger and lust. Addiction, not just to drugs, but to each other. They clung to each other as if their lives depended on it, and sometimes they did. They were the only thing that made everything, the fame, the chaos, and even their personal lives, more bearable. And every time they could be together, it was like explosives going off.

Now, for some strange reason, Frank felt calm around Gerard.

It felt like coming home after a long trip.

As if tour and being a family man and the pressure of the label and the fans and real life and his fucked up brain were all hard work to keep up with, but when he was with Gerard, nothing else mattered.

Sneaking into his hotel room and talking all night after making out, felt just right.

This is how things were supposed to be.

He was the piece that was missing in his puzzle.

That night in Newcastle, Frank couldn’t help noticing Gerard giving him all the attention on stage. He would look for him, smile at him and even sing at him. And Frank couldn’t help it, he was just excited, jumping around, smiling all the time. When Gerard sang the last part of I’m Not Okay looking at him, Frank was almost drooling.

And then, while he was tuning his guitar before the next song, he heard Gerard singing from behind –

_Long ago, and oh so far away,_ _  
I fell in love with you, before the second show,  
Your guitar, it’s such a sad sad sound,  
But you're not really here,  
It's just the radio,_

That was _their_ song.

They both liked it, and when they met, Gerard used to make fun of him for being so punk and liking such sappy songs. But later he told him every time he heard it on the radio, it reminded him of Frank, so one time Frank gave him a mixtape with it in it. Gerard even recorded it during the Black Parade sessions. Frank knew it was for him back then, and he knew it was for him now.

Without being too obvious, he walked to where Gerard was, kneeling on the floor and facing the drums. ‘ _I love you, too,’_ Frank whispered to him, and they just shared a smiled before Gerard turned around to the audience and they started playing Famous Last Words as if nothing had happened.

But all Frank could think for the rest of the show was how bad he wanted to take Gerard’s hand and take him off the stage and run away with him.

He had to remind himself that he couldn’t, though. He had two daughters, and running away meant not seeing them ever again. Jamia was okay with him and Gerard doing whatever they were doing. But leaving them, was a whole other thing. And he would never forgive himself for leaving his kids. While he knew Gerard was his one true love, Cherry and Lily were the most important thing in his life.

So he just kept playing.

When the show was finally over and they walked off stage, Frank couldn’t take it anymore. He pulled the red-haired man by the arm and took him to the first room he saw, and locked the door behind them. ‘Is it true?’ he asked.

Gerard pushed him against the wall and kissed him, kissing his neck and unzipping his pants. He wasn’t interested in talking, obviously.

‘Answer me,’ Frank said. ‘Is it true?’

‘What is true?’

‘You know, the song. You still care about me?’

‘You know the answer.’

‘I do. But I mean, more than the hot sex in janitor’s closets and hotel rooms. I mean, would you really consider being with me one day? Is our plan still up?’

‘You know it’s not that easy now.’

‘I know, I have kids too. But the more we do this, the more I want to risk everything and run away with you.’

‘Everything? Even the girls?’

Obviously not them. Frank would never risk them, and Gerard knew it. Just like Gerard couldn’t just leave Bandit. He took Gerard’s hand in his, playing with it, locking their fingers together. ‘Maybe not now. But maybe one day when they’re old enough, and we have figured out what to do about our wives. One day. Can you make me that promise?’

Gerard looked at Frank. His bright hazel eyes that always looked at him as if he was the only thing on the universe. How he looked so young with his head shaved. He played with his cardigan and gave him a tender kiss. ‘I want nothing more than to make my bags and take B with me and find a place in New Jersey and take you with me,’ he said. ‘You have no idea how much I’ve thought about it.’

‘Then do it.’

‘Can’t we just enjoy this now? I like where this is going. We have a lot of dates left. We still have time. Who knows what will happen next. But right now, I love you and I want to fuck you so bad, so let’s get to it.’

Frank smiled mischievously. Gerard was right, they should just enjoy what they had. ‘Fine. You win.’

Gerard was already taking off Frank’s clothes and wrapping his arms around him.

They finally had some time off tour, so they went home to spend time with their families.

Frank was excited to see the girls. He had missed them so much, they had grown up a lot in the time he was on tour.

So he was more than happy to take care of them while Jamia went to work.

He sat with them after feeding them, and played with them and all their stuffed animals, making up stories for them. Being a dad came more naturally to him than playing music. He was born for this, and he enjoyed every minute of it.

And then, his phone rang.

‘Hey,’ the voice on the other side said.

Gerard.

Frank couldn’t help smiling.

‘Hey,’ he said.

‘Am I – interrupting?’

‘No. She’s at work.’

There was a long silence. They hadn’t seen each other in barely a week, but they were already missing each other. ‘What are you doing?’ Frank asked.

‘Taking a walk. Smoking.’

‘It’s too early over there, what are you doing up?’

‘It’s seven in the morning. And I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking about you.’

Frank giggled. ‘You stop. You don’t have to say that. I’m the cheesy one here.’

‘True. But I’m not lying. I miss being on tour and waking up next to you at the hotel. It’s not the same with her.’

Frank knew.

‘What are you doing?’ Gerard asked this time.

‘Hanging out with Cherry and Lily. We’re playing wrestling with stuffed animals.’

‘That sounds fun. Say hi from me.’

‘Girls, daddy’s boyfriend says hi,’ Frank said to his daughters.

Gerard couldn’t help laughing. ‘Don’t tell them that!’

‘Isn’t it true then?’

‘Well, yeah – but –’

‘Relax, they’re not even a year old, they can’t tell their mom. And it’s not like she doesn’t know.’ They didn’t say anything for a while, Frank was trying to get Lily not to eat her toys, and Gerard was telling him he had a lot of patience with them. And about playing the Reading festival in a matter of weeks, and how no one was expecting that Brian fucking May was going to play with them.

And it seemed so natural, so domestic, talking to him while spending time with the twins. And Frank couldn’t help crying.

His life was perfect in that moment.

He was so happy, the happiest he’d ever been in his entire life.

And he couldn’t handle it because he thought he’d never have that.

‘I love you, Frankie,’ Gerard said, and it was all too perfect.


	29. TRAIN RIDES AND DATES

‘Why are you doing this to me, Frank?’ Gerard said, pushing him inside the hotel room and against the wall. ‘You know you drive me crazy when you act like that on stage.’

‘Oh, yeah?’ the younger one replied, laughing and biting his lower lip. ‘Maybe that’s what I wanted.’ He took off his red sleeveless shirt, and pulled Gerard closer.

‘You’re so evil, Frankie.’

‘Am I?’

Frank absolutely knew what he was doing. He knew his bare arms drove Gerard mad, and he even caught him looking a couple times during their performance. He also knew they weren’t _allowed_ to do anything like in the good old days because they were both supposed to be happily married and with families. No one was supposed to know what they did backstage.

So they came up with ways to communicate with each other to meet up afterwards. And they would usually sneak in each other’s rooms and spend the night together.

‘You’re not so good yourself, Mister,’ Frank said, pushing him to the bed. ‘And for that, you’re gonna pay.’

‘Oh, really?’ Gerard replied with a smirk.

Frank only answer by biting the older man’s lower lip, causing him to moan loudly. Soon, Gerard’s pants were off, and he was now on top of Frank, licking his collarbone and cupping his crutch. ‘Does Jam treat you the way I do?’ he asked, taking care of his erection.

Frank laughed. ‘She doesn’t fuck me like you do, no.’

‘Well, you’re in luck, then.’

‘You enjoy it, huh?’ Frank asked in a flirty tone. ‘Doesn’t _she_ let you fuck her? Or why are you so needy? You miss having control, huh?’

‘I kinda do, yeah.’

‘Well, you’re in luck.’ Frank smiled at him, already pleasured by Gerard’s finger rubbing his prostate. ‘You know I’m yours.’

‘I know.’

Frank couldn’t say anything else, because his words would get lost with the loud moans. Gerard was all that existed, and he wanted to enjoy every second of him inside him.

He was safe with Gerard.

He knew he’d take care of him and make sure he felt like everything they were doing was worth it. That there was hope.

***

The next morning they woke up early and got ready. Frank wore one of Gerard’s hoodies, and walked behind him, and met everyone in the lobby. They all knew they came from the same room, that they’d spent the night together, and they knew better than to say something. It had happen too many times, and they knew it was useless to tell at them.

They got to the airport, and Frank put on his headphones, avoiding everyone.

They arrived in [Czech Republic](https://www.setlist.fm/venue/letist-hradec-kralove-czech-republic-13d73191.html), and went through their day as normal. More interviews, more press, barely enough time to rest. Frank called Jamia and told her about his day, and Jamia told him about the girls fighting over toys. He wished he was there playing them, but he also wished he didn’t have to be away from Gerard to do that.

He noticed him yelling over the phone. He supposed he was talking to her, so he didn’t want to get involved. Whatever was the problem, it would either get fixed or not, but it was _their_ problem, not Frank’s. If it was for him, he’d make Gerard understand that she wasn’t right for him.

All he could do, was to make sure that he was happy.

And going through social media he found a way to make him feel better.

So after they played, they all went back to the hotel. Gerard seemed annoyed, and went straight to his room, not wanting Frank to follow.

Frank just hoped his surprise would help.

He got up early, and went to Gerard’s room to find him sleeping. They had a day off, so their flight wouldn’t leave until later. ‘Hey, get the fuck up,’ Frank said.

‘What? Why? It’s too early.’

‘I don’t care, we’re leaving.’

‘But the we’re not supposed to leave for the airport until almost twelve.’

‘But we’re not going to the airport.’

‘Then –’

‘Just shut up, Gerard!’ At least that helped. ‘And put on a hoodie and glasses so no one recognizes us.’

Frank got them a cab to the train station, while Gerard looked at him confused. ‘Just get in,’ Frank said as they got on the train. It was a quiet ride, in an almost empty train, and they sat together, pretending they were normal boyfriends living a normal life. Soon, they were in Vienna, though Gerard still didn’t know what was going on.

They got a hotel room and changed into the least colorful clothes, and just something that wouldn’t get them recognized.

Frank couldn’t wait any longer. He just gave him the surprise right there and then.

A couple of tickets.

‘What is this?’ Gerard asked, and then read the tickets. ‘Bright Eyes?!’

Frank’s smile grew bigger seeing his reaction. They were one of their favorite bands, and they had never had the chance to see them live.

‘Are you serious?!’

Frank nodded.

That earned him another fuck before they got in the shower and got ready.

Just like that one day in London many years ago, they put on fake mustaches, and Gerard wore a beanie to hide his bright hair, and they were off.

They could have asked security to let them see from the side stage, but Frank just wanted to be fucking normal for once and see a concert like any other person. So they stood in the middle of the crowd, hugging and holding hands, singing to their songs.

When they played _First Day of My Life,_ Frank sang it to Gerard, who smiled the whole time.

_This is the first day of my life  
Swear I was born right in the doorway  
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed  
They're spreading blankets on the beach_

_Yours was the first face that I saw  
I think I was blind before I met you  
And I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been  
But I know where I want to go_

It seemed so easy.

Frank wished they could have that life, but he knew they had to go back to real life soon, but in the meantime, they just enjoyed what they had. Their little date, being in each other’s arms and pretending nothing else existed.


	30. TRUST NO ONE

‘Can you believe we just played with fucking Brian May?’ Gerard said, almost to himself.

Him and Frank were smoking backstage after their set, far away from everyone.

‘We did!’ Frank replied with a smile, and his eyes wet.

They didn’t say anything for the longest time. They didn’t need to. What had just happened up there was something beyond their dreams. Playing with the guitarist of Queen, and him playing one of _their_ songs. They couldn’t stop smiling.

Frank looking behind them. They were hiding behind a big truck, so no one could see them, but he just wanted to make sure. All the lights and all the noises were far in the distance, not a soul nearby.

So he turned to Gerard and kissed him.

And Gerard kissed back as if he was expecting him, taking his hand in his. It felt like those days when they hid in closets to be together.

‘Did you ever imagined, all those years ago,’ Frank started. ‘When you started the band, that you’d get to do this?’

Gerard laughed, blushing. ‘Never. To be honest, I didn’t think we’d make more than one album. I thought I was lucky to convince Ray and Otter to play those demos with me. And we’d be lucky to play some shows.’

Frank smiled at the thought.

‘But you believed in us.’ The words caught Frank by surprise. ‘You believed in us more than we believed in ourselves. You made me feel like I wasn’t crazy for dreaming. We wouldn’t have made it without you. _I_ wouldn’t have made it without you.’

Frank smiled, not sure how that could be true. If anything, he wouldn’t have made it without Gerard. ‘Well, you made it.’

‘You, too, Frankie. _We_ made it.’

‘We did, huh?’ He leaned his head on the red haired man’s shoulder. ‘Ten years already, fuck!’

‘Don’t remind me. I’m fucking old.’

‘You are,’ Frank said laughing.

***

Just when things seemed to be perfect, everything went to shit.

As soon as they went back home, they found out they were right about their drummer stealing money from them, so they kicked him out.

The tour had to keep going, so they had to do their best to continue as normal. They had sent another drummer, Jarrod Alexander, and played the show.

But they were all stressed, angry, and somewhat disappointed.

Especially Frank.

They were close, and when they started to suspect what he was doing, Frank went to him to ask him, tell him that he could just say it, that he could tell him and avoid getting in trouble. And Michael said no, he wasn’t stealing. So Frank was obviously pissed when they caught him red handed.

 _Trust no one,_ he said in the middle of _I’m Not Okay,_ his tone bitter, and clearly wanting to punch someone.

After the show, they all tried to calm down, and pretend nothing happened. It had been a great show, and they all gave their best, and Jarrod seemed to get along with the band and be a great fit.

But the tension was there.

It had only been a day since Pedicone had been sacked, and they were still pissed and avoiding each other. ‘So –,’ Ray broke the silence. ‘We’re not gonna talk about this?’

None of them said a word. The new drummer walked out of the room, afraid they’d start arguing, and Gerard gave Frank a threatening look. ‘There’s nothing to say,’ Frank replied. ‘Let’s just move on.’

‘Oh, really?’ Gerard asked, his voice sounding bitter.

‘You got something say? Why don’t you say that into my face?’ By then, Frank was already in front of the front man, barely an inch between them.

Gerard pushed him, their eyes angry and looking into each other. ‘You know what I mean. That’s what happens when you trust your boy –’

Frank couldn’t help it. He threw a punch at him, except Dewees stopped him right on time, holding him by the arms, while Ray held Gerard. ‘Maybe if you stop sleeping with our drummers, we wouldn’t have this problem,’ Gerard yelled.

‘Are you jealous?’ Frank said, almost laughing.

‘Yeah, right!’

‘Maybe I should stop sleeping with the singer too.’ And then, Frank was off.

Straight to the bus. He thought about calling Jamia. He needed to hear the girls’ voices to keep him grounded. He just needed his girls.

He knew he was stupid to believe Pedicone. And stupid to sleep with him. To let him convince him. Maybe he was using him the whole time.

_Fuck._

Why did he always go for guys who treated him like shit?

He felt betrayed, hurt. He felt like punching a wall.

He just got in his bunk, and cuddled with a picture of Lily and Cherry, crying himself to sleep.

***

It took them some time, but after a couple more shows, they started talking again.

They knew it was the only way to make it was together, especially now that everything seemed to be chaos and their world had been shattered.

So, without saying anything, Gerard joined Frank outside before a show, and offered him a cigarette, and while they held hands, and just sat there.

‘Please don’t ever leave me, Frankie,’ Gerard said, looking at the parking lot in front of him. ‘I can’t do it without you.

Frank knew what he meant.

He was drinking again.

He’d been drinking all tour. He could taste it every time they kissed. But he didn’t know how to confront him without getting into a fight. But this was his way of asking for help.

They were about to go home for a couple weeks before another festival date just before Halloween. And he knew Gerard wasn’t so excited to go back home to his wife.

Frank wished he could do something, he really did. But there was nothing he could do.

He had to accept that Gerard was married, just like him.

But that didn’t mean they couldn’t be together.

‘I won’t leave you.’

What Gerard didn’t know was that Frank needed him as much, if not more.


	31. BIG DAY OUT

It was the first show of the year, right after their much deserved Christmas break.

2011 had been a crazy year. Though, not their most successful year, they toured non-stop, and at least they had some time with their families, and Frank loved going home to Jamia and the girls, and now they were expecting another child.

So amidst all the chaos with the band, there was a bit of happiness.

Frank got to the LA airport, tired and grumpy, as usual that early in the morning, and found the guys waiting for him to check in. They hugged, but none of them said a word. He was sure it was because after all this time, being so close to each other, words were not needed, and it was also five in the morning and they hadn’t had their coffees yet.

But he knew the silence coming from Gerard was strange.

Last time they saw each other, right before his birthday, they were in good terms. They had just played the Voodoo festival, and Gerard wanted to do something special for him, so they went to visit cemeteries while in New Orleans and then got him a Frankenstein cake and celebrated in his room. The big thirty. ‘Happy birthday, Frankie,’ he had said, holding the cake for him to blow the candles. ‘Make a wish.’ _To be with you forever,_ Frank thought and then blew the candles.

He couldn’t believe he had made it to thirty. He had spent literally all his twenties in the band, and it had been the best thing that had ever happened to him, besides his daughters.

Now, Gerard seemed distant. Even after they called each other on Christmas, and Gerard told him he’d keep his promise and wait for him so they could be together one day, there was something off.

But Frank chose to ignore it for now.

He was too tired. He just put on his headphones and listened to loud music while they waited to get on the plane. It was going to be a long flight to New Zealand, and Frank was planning on sleeping through it, just to ignore Gerard. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with that just yet.

It was a twenty hour flight, plus the time zone difference, and Frank felt like he lost two whole days, and he felt like shit even after sleeping through it.

At least it was eight p.m. already when they arrived, and he planned on taking some sleeping pills as soon as they made it to the hotel and go back to sleep. He called Jamia while they waited for their van, and asked about the girls, and just their laughter in the back made him feel a lot better.

As soon as Lauren, their manager gave him his room key, he headed upstairs. The elevator doors were about to close, when a hand stopped them. Frank didn’t even have to look up to know who it was. ‘We need to talk,’ Gerard said.

Frank tried his best not to laugh. ‘So you ignore me all day, and now you want to talk.’

‘Frank, please –’ Frank didn’t know what to say. He looked up at him, his short bleached hair, and his baggy jeans. He had never looked so much like a dad and Frank thought it was hot. And he would have pushed him to the wall if it wasn’t because anyone could get in the elevator at any second, and because he was pissed.

‘I’m just tired, man. One day, you tell me you love me and we promise each other to wait for the day we can be together, and a week later you don’t even talk to me. It’s been always like this. Always. And I can’t do it anymore. I have a family. You have a family too. So either you make your choice, or we end it now.’

Gerard reached for his hand. ‘That’s exactly what we need to talk about.’

Frank just laughed nervously. He knew what it meant. Gerard was leaning closer to kiss him, when they made it to their floor, and the doors opened, an old couple standing on the other side.

Frank used the awkward moment to get out of there, dragging his luggage, and leaving Gerard behind.

‘Hey, Frankie!’ he heard him yelled behind him, as he walked to room 405. ‘I’m serious.’

‘I don’t care, Gee. I think I already told you that.’ He swiped his key in the slot, trying to ignore Gerard, and walked in, closing the door in his face.

‘Hey, this is my room too!’

That made the shorter man open the door immediately, with an expression that read as both confusion and anger. ‘You can’t be serious,’ he said.

But Gerard showed him his key, proving that in fact was for room 405, and giving him that awkward smile that always worked on him. ‘I changed rooms with Ray.’

Frank gave up. There was nothing he could do at this point. He just wanted to go to sleep. So he turned around and threw himself to his bed. He could hear Gerard getting in and putting his stuff aside, and moving things around. Frank was already falling asleep, when he noticed the extra weight on the other side of the bed.

Gerard was lying next to him, looking at him.

‘There’s another bed,’ Frank mumbled.

‘I don’t want to sleep alone.’ Then, there was a long silence, and both of them avoided each other’s eyes. ‘Jamia called me.’

Frank wasn’t expecting that. He thought of all the reasons why Gerard would not talk to him. Lynz threatening him, Warner people telling him to stop whatever was going on. Alcohol. He thought of a million reasons why he could have changed his mind in less than a week after their last call. But he never thought it could be Jamia.

‘She told me to take care of you.’ Frank couldn’t hide his surprise. Obviously, she knew about them the whole time. Frank had told her. It was one of the things he loved about their relationship, how open they were. She knew about the tech guy during Leathermouth, and about Pedicone. And there had been a couple others. But she also knew what he had with Gerard was different, and how it affected Frank. ‘That she knows we’ve been seeing each other all this time. And she’s okay. But that if I hurt you, she’s going to hurt me too.’

Of course she would say that. And that was why Frank loved her. He appreciated that, and he couldn’t help giggle. ‘She would do that.’

‘Don’t laugh at my misery! Your wife is threatening me!’

‘I’m sorry, and she would totally kick your ass.’

‘She totally would.’ They kept laughing until it died, and they were breathing closer to each other.

‘But unless you’re planning on hurting me – there wouldn’t be a problem.’

‘I deserve it, though.’

‘No – why would you say that?’ Frank looked worried, and reach his cheek with his thumb.

‘I know I hurt you,’ Gerard said, holding Frank’s hands. ‘And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. It’s just – I wish it wasn’t this complicated.’

‘I know. Me too.’ He caressed his face with such tenderness, it made Gerard felt loved and safe with just a simple touch. ‘I wish I didn’t have to pretend and get married to Jamia just to keep people happy, or that the label didn’t have a say on what we do.’

‘Did you?’ Gerard asked, catching Frank by surprise. ‘Did you marry her to keep people happy?’

‘I don’t know. I mean, I do love her. And I guess it made it easier that she understood me since the beginning. I knew she’d be the only one to allow any of this to happen. And we are best friends, so I guess it’s nice.’

Gerard just nodded, and Frank continued. ‘But you are the one. And I wish it could be different, and it could be us getting married and having kids, but I guess things aren’t that easy.’

‘I know.’ Frank leaned in for a kiss, soft and brief. ‘I wish I wasn’t a coward.’

‘You’re not.’

‘But I am, and I went and marry Lynz just so the rumors would stop instead of admitting it. I could have at least waited to find someone better.’

Frank knew he was right. But he wouldn’t tell Gerard that he kinda hated her, and not because she took him away from him. ‘But you wouldn’t have Bandit.’ When Gerard looked up at him, with that smile, he knew it had worked. ‘I think things were meant this way. Now you have Bandit, and I have the twins, and another on the way, and I wouldn’t change that. They made me see things differently. I’m not just me anymore. I’m their dad. And that’s my biggest achievement.’ Gerard nodded. ‘But that doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could be with you.’

Then, Gerard pulled him closer, pressing his lips against his, gasping as the kiss deepened.

‘I can’t do it without you, Frankie,’ he said once their clothes were off, and their bodies against each other. ‘I tried, but I can’t. You keep me together and sane.’

Frank stared at him, at his sad green eyes that had always looked at him as if he was the most precious thing, and couldn’t understand. Despite everything that had happened, Gerard was always protecting Frank, giving him a safe place to go to. He felt complete with him. But now Gerard was here telling he was the one who needed him. ‘I’ll be here when you need me.’

‘I need you,’ Gerard whispered, almost in tears, and instead of replying, Frank kissed his neck, and caressed his chest. Despite all the changes in his appearance, Gerard was still the shy guy who spent his days in the basement, insecure and innocent. And that was what Frank loved the most, how he let go of everything when it was just the two of them.

Frank kissed every inch of his pale skin, and caressed the sides of his stomach and his thighs, and let him know that no one else would love him like Frank. ‘We’re going to figure out a way to be together, okay?’ he whispered in Gerard’s ear.

‘I know we will.’

***

The next morning, they woke up early to leave for the venue.

It felt so natural and domestic to wake up together, as if they knew each other’s routine. After a morning blowjob, Frank convinced him to go outside for a smoke, and they ordered breakfast to the room, and then took a shower together. ‘So now you take showers?’ Frank joked.

‘When you’re involved, yes.’

No one said a word when they joined him in the lobby. They all knew what had happened, and just Frank being in a good mood was enough to prove it.

That day, they played with their heart, and Frank caught Gerard looking at him every now and then throughout their performance, making him blush. On their way backstage, Gerard got closer to whisper something in Frank’s ear. ‘You look hot!’ That brought a smile to his face. ‘Meet me in the greenroom’s bathroom.’

Frank just laughed.

It was good to have him back.

They kept sneaking in greenrooms and closets for the next week during their Australia shows, just like the good old days, and sharing hotel rooms. They talked about new songs for the next album, and setting up their new studio in LA. Frank said he and Jamia were renting an apartment so she didn’t have to be by herself with the kids. ‘So we’ll be closer?’ Gerard asked, eating from his low mein, and Frank just gave him a smirk. ‘So tempting.’

On stage, they would go on as normal, but as soon as they were alone, they found this new routine of shared looks and smiles, and the promise of ending the day together, and Frank wondered if that could be a possibility for them back home.

But for now, it was all good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! after almost a week of no new chapter because *anxiety* and having trouble to finish this chapter...  
> It's already a year since I started writing fics, and as you can see I got excited. Anyway, I would love to see you what you think!


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